Snakes in the Bedroom

I've though about how to jump into this story but I'm having a bit of writers block tonight so I'm not going to get all fancy and stuff. I'm just going to tell it like it is. It's a little late tonight and I'm running on sleep deprivation but I going to give it my best shot. Could be the fact that I haven't written in FOREVER and I've lost touch with that part of my brain that tries to be witty. Honestly, I've lost touch with a lot lately. But slowly but surely I will come back to reality. I may be kicking and screaming, but it's inevitable. It's been an exciting, strange, mentally exhausting, rediculous, frustrating, infuriating, exhilarating week for me to say the least. But that's another blog all itself.


Anyhoo! In my house, along with Summer comes baseball and softball. Along with ball comes lots of time away from home and every day duties such as cleaning, doing the laundry, putting the laundry away, finishing the bathroom (that my husband is suppose to be finishing and he rarely comes to games so it could probably be done by now but it isn't so I probably should quit bitching about it and just do it myself, right?). I've also neglected the cooking. My poor kids are growing up on concession stand food. Pretzels, Hotdogs, Corn Dogs, Air Heads, Nachos, Nerd Ropes, Ring Pops, Gigantic Popcycles, and please lets not forget the Sunflower Seeds. The joys of numb tongues and salty lips. WOW! That sounded like a date rape drug......moving along.....


To put it mildly, my entire bedroom at this point is a huge laundry basket/bathroom closet. It's the most annoying thing but I just can't seem to find time to do anything with it. Between the laundry and all the items out of the bathroom closet that are scattered about my bedroom, dining room, kitchen, etc, (that my husband is suppose to be finishing and he rarely comes to games so it could probably be done by now but it isn't so I probably should quit bitching about it and just do it myself, right?) I find it very discouraging and just end up shutting the door usually. On Saturday night we had company over and I took a lot of the bathroom stuff that was in the dining room into my bedroom. Along with more clothes, of course! In the commotion, I have mis-placed my blowdryer. Sunday morning came I went into the bedroom to search for the blowdryer which I was sure had gotten lost in the clothes heap.


I started to move some clothes from in front of my closet and that's when I saw it.....


the snake.....


Now I'm not talking gardener snake, I'm not even talking Bull Snake, I'm talking about Nessy. A large Anaconda of some sort under my clothes resting comfortably. Now I only saw a portion of this snake but by the area exposed I could tell this wasn't going to be pretty. I calmly shut the door and assess the situation. FACT: I know in my head that there is absolutely no way a snake of that magnitude could be living in my bedroom without my knowlege. Ever. FACT: I know there is no way my cat, dog, or two children would still be alive if a snake of that magnitude was living in my bedroom. FACT: If I poke that snake and it moves I know I will shit my pants, faint, and be eaten alive with no way to save my children.

(At this point I believe I moved away from the door into the kitchen. I've seen Anaconda and those snakes can break shit.) Again, I try to not panic and I think rationally......

OK, there is one very large snake in my bedroom. What's the first this I should do? Get the children out of the house. I dress the children and order them outside to play. Thank the good Lord it was nice outside. Done. After the children were out I looked for the cat. Found. Done. Get the gun........out of my closet........in the bedroom..........shit. Call Ryan.

Now I explained to Ryan on the phone that there was no possible way that this is a snake but there was no other explanation. I thought through all of my kids' toys and couldn't think of one that would resemble this snake I was housing. I told him to grab a large Hoe or something from the farm to kill it should it be a snake. I texted my friend Chris who I knew had a gun and he really didn't take me seriously either. He found me quite comical actually. I was freaking out! He offered to come over and shoot it but I figured Ryan would be home soon and bring something to kill it with.

Shortly after I called him I hear Ryan and his cousin Cliff come in to extract the reptile from the laundry basket known as my bedroom. I anxiously looked to see what the weapon of choice was..........a three foot broom? IDIOT!!!!

"I really don't think you understand. I told you to bring home a hoe or something! That snake is going to fucking eat you!!!" I exclaimed. They were both shaking their heads like, "Here she goes again, over-reacting over nothing.....blah blah blah..." Until they opened the door. I'm yelling at Ryan to not go too far into the bedroom so he's not eaten. He's like, "Where's this worm at?" I pointed to it down on the floor. Tough old farm boys didn't think I was so crazy anymore!!! "THAT'S A BIG FUCKING SNAKE!!!" Ryan yells, as I'm yelling back, "I TOLD YOU IT WAS HUGE BUT NOOOO, I'M ALWAYS OVER-REACTING, SEEING THINGS, BEING A PUSSY! Well, who's the pussy now almost on top the bed! And what the hell are you going to do with that tiny little pussy broom?? Hmmmm???? Give it a massage?????" Now he's going though the same thought process as I am....that there is NO WAY IN HELL that could be a snake but there is no other explanation...He pokes it once. Nothing.....Pokes it twice.....nothing. He takes the end of his snake killing three foot broom and starts to pull on it... It comes out and he flings it my direction. I FREAK.THE.FUCK.OUT!!! Screaming, jumping, flailing about, only to witness what all the fuss was about laying at my feet.














I'm cleaning my bedroom. There quite possibly could be snakes living in my bedroom in all the laundry and after last Sunday, I'm not taking any chances.