MORE OLDIES BUT GOODIES..You may be here awhile! lol

WHERE DOES HE COME UP WITH THESE??? (TWO YEARS AGO)
Current mood: amused
For all who know my son, he's always coming up with something to make his life easier. We all do this, yes, I know, however, he is only 5 (well, will be in a few months) and his are always a lot funnier . One of the first or most memorable he has come up with is that he wished that he had two pee pee's. When I asked why, he just said, "Well, that way I could pee here and stretch the other pee pee over to Wendy's and pee there too cause I always have too much pee. And if I could pee more at one potty time I could play more during the day." He was three……… Now, being a mother is a chore. I believe, at this point, the hardest part for me as a mother is not laughing when I should be serious but I am dying inside. Now, note that I am not the most girlish person in the world and I do work with Truckers on a daily basis and my husband is a red headed farmer/cattleman with high blood pressure so, needless to say, my mouth is not very clean, however, I do a good job most of the time – keeping it clean around the kids. I have no idea where Owen comes up with the stuff that he says but it's very interesting. One day I was getting him dressed, shortly after he was potty trained, and I told him he needed to put underwear on before he put his pants on. He told me and was quite clear about it that he did not need to be wearing underwear that day. When I asked him why he simple stated, " I'm just going to free ball." What do you say to your innocent little 3 year old after that??????!!!!. Now, I've got a mouth, however, myself nor my husband EVER use this phrase at all. I just said "Alright?" and walked out of the room.
There are so many I could tell you about but I know most of you are at work so I'll get to the point. We had a garage sale this weekend at my sister-in-law's house. She has a very big driveway and we took the kids' bikes over there so they could ride around and not be incredibly bored. Well, Owen kept coming over about every hour or so holding himself and doing the potty dance. We're out of town so I just simply tell him to go behind the shed. (Just FYI, for new parents or parents that have yet to potty train…….having your young son pee outside in the country is ok but make sure to teach them that it is only appropriate in the country and not in town. Otherwise you have a little kid with his pants down to his ankles in the middle of your front yard with a bow and arrow made out of a plastic hanger shooting people driving by while peeing.) So after two days of peeing every hour behind the shed he looks at me and says, "Mom, I wish a had a drain in my butt….that way I wouldn't have to go pee behind the shed so much it would just drain out my butt while I ride my bike." I grabbed a beer.



SARAH IS 3 TODAY (TWO YEARS AGO)
Current mood: content
Well, my children are no longer babies, that's for sure. Sarah is 3 today. Sad, sad, day. Owen didn't tell me "no" until he turned three. He was really good through his "terrible two's" and once he turned three he got a little naughtier (is that a word??) but not too bad. I always said with him it was the terrible three's. Now, Sarah has made it through her "terrible two's". What the hell am I going to do if she get's WORSE now that she is three? Don't get me wrong, she is a very good girl. She listens well for the most part, she is polite...for the most part...she puts on a great show for everyone. She is just full of fire, piss, and vinegar! Constantly trying me. She get's her head going when she's telling you off, she's the first one to tell me "Mom," she says with her hand on her hip pointing at me with her little finger, "you need to get some zit cream on that zit or it's going to blow up!" She keeps me laughing that is for sure. I don't think we have sat down to dinner one night in the past five years where we have not laughed until we cried at our kids. A few months ago she was in the kitchen with Owen and he was on the sit'n'spin and she said, "Owen, I'm going to ask you one more time....If you don't get off that sit'n'spin, I'm going to kick your ass!" AAHHH!!! She came up to Ryan the other day as he was taking his boots off and said, "Daddy, you smell like cow shit.....you stink!" When Ryan told her never to say the "s" word again she said, "Ahh.. stink is not a bad word, Daddy."
How does a parent not laugh at these things???? I do a pretty good job of keeping a straight face when I know I need to be serious but how do you not laugh at a 30 second fart at the dinner table? Seriously! One that just keeps coming out and the more they laugh, the more they fart? It's not acceptable to pass gas at the dinner table, I know this, but how are they going to learn this from their mother that is bawling in her pasta because she's laughing uncontrollably and their dad giving them high 5's saying "That was awesome!!!"
Sarah's party went without a hitch....I think. She had a great time. My brother moved to Chicago last weekend so it suddenly hit me that I had no one to take pictures. He is usually taking pictures as he is a photographer so I usually just let him do it and he get's me some copies. Plus my grandmother passed away on Feb. 22nd so that was different not having her there. I'm sure she was there is spirit. But I took some good shots I think. Not as good as Zac probably but I will get better. It was gorgeous outside so all the kids got to go outside and play for the first time this year without bundling up and us parents got to relax for a little while. We realized at 7:30 that almost all of us wanted crab legs but didn't want to go anywhere to get them so that kind of stunk. It was fun none the less. I had a great time and thanks to everyone who attended.
Owen is going to start Kindergarden in the fall and he is looking forward to it. I'm sure that will be an adventure in itself. If you've read any of my other blogs you can only imagine by worries with his wide variety of ideas. I'm sure I'll have more to blog later. Everyone take care.



KINDERGARDEN ROUND UP (TWO 1/2 YEARS AGO)
Current mood: rushed
The day had come for my baby boy to go to Kindergarden Round-Up. I've been trying to ease Owen into this, telling him every day for the past month what it was going to be like and that he'd have so much fun! "Don't worry about leaving Mommy, Honey. I will be back to pick you up so don't cry or anything. There's nothing to be worried about. It's just an hour or so and Mommy will come right back and get you." All the while he is just staring at me with this look of concern on his face. I give him a big hug to ease his pain of leaving Mommy. He gently pulls away and says in a very annoyed tone, "I only get to stay for an hour?" Come to find out it was me who was having the problem with this. It was me that was scared. My baby is gone!
Owen is very outgoing and not much scares him aside from the dark so I knew this was probably going to be easy for him. And I've come to terms that the first day of Kindergarden will be just as easy for him as today was or anything else he does.
So, we head over to drop Sarah off at daycare and after her wonderful rendition of Fergalicious, I take her in and head over to the school. As we pass Mom's office I see her standing in the window waiting for the first glimpse of her grandson heading into her domain for the first time. We pass and we waive, knowing in the back of my mind that she wants to cry really bad but probably isn't. (Face it, Mom. You cry. And you know you do! And it's OK! J) We have to park a ways away and it's pretty cold out today. I open the car door, Owen jumps on my back and we run for the doors leading to the end of my baby. Before entering I pause for a moment and take it all in. "This is it", I tell myself. "He's gone. My baby is all grown up." I am suddenly awakened from my personal la la land by sharp kicks from Lightning Maqueen to the back of my thighs as Owen yells, "It's cold, Mom, let's go in already!"
So, I open the doors, veer to the left as the arrows direct me to, and see the line of children waiting to check in. I waive and say my usual hello's to the Pre-School Moms whose children attend with Owen currently and wonder if they were feeling the same as I was. I see some kids clinging to their parents not wanting to let them go and I feel for them. I really do! These poor children are being ripped from their Mommy's at such a young age. How is my little Owen…….Owen? Owen? He's gone! I look up and he's up at the front of the line already getting his name tag! I calmly walk up to the front apologizing to all the parents visibly upset with me because my sweet little Owen just cut in front of all of them. "I'm so sorry. He's just really excited to be here. He really is a good boy and has great manners, really!" He takes off his coat and hands it to me. I turn to the table and sign my boy in. Childs name, Owen Bundy, parent name, Nicole Bundy, address of child, 108 N 19th, done. I put on my best look of excitement because I don't want him to be scared, "big smile, Nicky, big smile!" I turn to give him a hug good-bye……..He's gone! And no where in sight! They've wisped my little boy away from me and I didn't even get to give him a hug. How will he react? I always give him a hug before I leave! He'll think I abandoned him! I start to quickly walk toward where I think they are holding my son captive. As quick as I started, I stop. I take a deep breath, drop my shoulders, turn around and walk toward the door to leave the building. Before exiting, I look over my shoulder for one last look. My baby is gone.






THE TREADMILL

God, for some reason, does not want me watching my soap operas. I wish I was 16 again and hadn't experienced the sweet sight of Maurice Bernard. Hence, I would have no problems what so ever. My life was changed in June 1997. I was hired at a little insurance agency owned by my boyfriends parents at the time. I sat in the back room and went through papers just trying to clean things up a bit for them. I would turn the TV on for noise. It was at that time or round about where Marlena on Days of Our Lives was possessed once again. I had to watch something else. I turned the dial (yes I said dial) one click up. Into my view came a fuzzy ABC symbol which to this day is a vision I see on a daily basis. (A station in which my mobster speaks to me. I try to keep telling him that my name is Nicky, not Carly, but I must not be yelling loud enough.) Anyways, we'd move offices, so would my fuzzy TV. One day I was really excited because JoAnn bought a new TV that wasn't fuzzy. Holy crap did Sonny look good on that TV. It was the equivalent to when I got my glasses in 5th grade and I could see the leaves on the trees for the first time a few yards down from my house. It was a beautiful life changing experience. As the years progressed I developed a love for All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. Keep in mind that I can multi-task. I did work from 12-3 but I would also listen as well. Good part comes, angry trucker waits. It's just how it was. I got pregnant with Owen and when the joyous day came I headed to the hospital where I had my precious baby boy. I was a very dedicated employee and returned to work 3 weeks later, baby in tow. Yes, I brought him to the office with me. I was very excited to be back and when I walked in to see my friends I had missed so much I stopped dead in my tracks.... "Where is the TV?" I ask JoAnn in horror. "Well, I took it home and put it in front of the treadmill so I can watch TV while I walk in the mornings." WHAT????? A treadmill? You should be focussed on your pace and the calories you are buring, not what's happening on ER! I went into withdrawls. 15 days of seeing Sonny every day for an hour to NONE! How was I going to do this?? Well, I did it but with a little help from the internet reading the recaps everyday and I still read them to this day. When we moved to our present office my boss has a shop in the back to tinker with his cars and there is a TV back there. YES! I'm back, Sonny! I'm back. I take two cigarette breaks from 12-3. My cigarettes last anywhere from 1 minute to 3 minutes tops. Do you think I could time these breaks with the actual show instead of the commercials?? No. That would make my love easy. I try but every time I get a 10-30 second teaser with the last of my break filled with what is to come on the next Montel show. And what is the point of this blog you ask? I love Sonny Corinthos, I hate that fucking treadmill, and I'm pissed off.


MY FIRST SCHOOL LUNCH WITH OWEN (LAST YEAR)
So, I went and ate lunch with Owen yesterday at school. Why does an adult get nervous with these things? I was seriously nervous. What do I say? Are the lunch ladies going to be talking about me? Are the kindergarders going to whisper about Owen's mom? The last thing I would want is for Owen's classmates to make fun of him because when his mom came to eat with him she had a bugger hanging out of her nose. What if I drop my tray? Well, it went ok. I called my Mom and told her I was coming and to notify the office. (For those who don't know, my Mom works in the Superintendents office.) I toodle into the school and patiently wait by the lunch room for Owen's arrival out of class. I spark up a conversation with one of the ladies that worked there when I was in elementary school and still does. It's amazing how nice they are when you grow to be an adult. She was pretty mean when I was in school from what I remember.
Another class came to eat first and there was a little girl standing there and asked me what they were having for lunch. It was Halloween after all
"Oooo..Mummydogs..." I said
"No we're not!" The little girl said with the biggest attitude. Are you kidding me? Bring it on little girl..
"Well," I said pointing to the menu on the wall, "I just read that menu and it said you were having Mummydogs"
She takes an annoyed look at me, a quick glance toward the lunch room, and in the most diva like voice I've heard, and I've heard a lot, My daughter is queen diva, she said, "Well,...I just looked in there," pointed to the lunchroom as I did the menu, "and we're having mini-corndogs."
WHAT? DID SHE SERIOUSLY JUST DO THAT? She's good! This little snot has been taught well. I must find out who her mother is. Luckily, for my sake, and that little snot noses, Owen's class eventally paraded by me ending the brief confrontation. A quick look at the little girl as to say, this isn't over yet, I scanned Owen's class and he finally came passed. He didn't see me. I even poked him and he still didn't turn around. So when he came back I just sat there until he noticed his mother sitting there. "Oh, hi Mom.".................. THAT'S IT? Not excited, not anything. Just "Oh, hi Mom"? I asked him if I could eat with him and he said sure. He showed me the ropes, how to get things, and where to sit. He was getting progressively more excited to have me there. All his friends called me Owen's Mom. "Hey, Owen's Mom? Could you pass me the ketchup? Owen's Mom, can you open my juice?" The kids asked if the food was as good when I was in kindergarden and I explained how I only went a half of a day to kindergarden and you should've seen their faces. I also explained how Mrs. Hughes was my teacher too and one little boy goes, "WOW! I knew she was old but I didn't think she was that old!" Thanks kid.
Well, we had lunch and went outside to play when the first graders started coming in. I was playing with Owen with a football and told him to kick it to me. Well, the mean lady from my friend Jennifers old CCD class came over and said, "Owen, you know we can't play football on the concrete. You have to go into the rocks to do that." Lady? There are basketballs flying all over the place and you are worried about a kindergardner kicking a football?? Please! I'd be watching out for this basketball I have right here in my hand when it bounces off your frickin' head!!!!!! Hey, this lady was old when she taught CCD 18 years ago! How is she going to help my kid when he's in trouble or hurt when her Hushpuppy old lady shoes can't move faster than.....well, you get the point. Bitch needs to go home and watch Jeopardy, Oprah, something. Leave my kid alone.
Well, we got a basketball and played catch (bounce first, of course). Pretty soon we had four other kids playing with us. Owen, Katie, Justin, Josie, and myself. Cute kids.
All in all I had a great time eating lunch with Owen and playing with his friends. One little girl even said I was a very pretty mommy. That made me feel really good after the old comment. But not as pretty as her mommy because she's the prettiest mommy in the world! I thought that was very sweet cause I know her mommy. She needs all the compliments she can get! Ok, well, yes that was mean. But I earned that one! I didn't duke it out with that little Mummydog snot and I didn't drill that CCD lady in the head with the basketball!
I'm reading to Owen's class next week on his birthday November 8th so I'm sure I'll have some stories to tell. I'm dreading the possibility of having flashbacks to me reading to my class in 2nd grade and my mortal enemy, now my very best friend, yelling in the middle of my Muppet Babies book correcting my pronunciation of the word "gees". What a bitch! I guess the saying, 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer' pertaines in some cases huh, Sherry? I'm still plotting revenge for that.
Take time to eat with your kids. It's fun.

CHEF BOYARDEE
As a child it was a BIG treat for my mom to buy us Chef Boyardee anything. Whether it was Beefaroni, Spaghetti & Meetballs, Ravioli's, Mini-Ravioi's, SpaghettiO's ANYTHING!! It was a greatly appreciated treat for lunch. It was often like the commercials. "What would you like for lunch, kids?" she would say. And we, like the commercial, would come back with a "CHEF BOY AR DEE!"
Even now, you will always find at least one can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli's or SpaghettiO's in my lazy susan and my kids love it. It's a nice treat on the weekends. I still eat them!! What does Chef Boyardee make that isn't delicious, right?
Well, folks, I have gotten older, wiser, and I know how to cook. I still love the ravioli's for the most part but I know how to make real ones from scratch and they are 100 times better, BUT Chef Boyardee still rocks it. SpaghettiO's?.....well, those I can't contend with as they don't make those O shaped noodles that kids adore.
Well, my friends, I just had me a bowl of Chef Boyardee Mac & Cheese. It was very unpleasant. Let me be frank. I would rather lick Jabba the Huts asshole and then possibly suck on his toes before I would eat these again. It was horrendous. HORRIBLE.....
DON'T BUY THEM! THEY SUCK!
Excuse me while I go vomit and wash my mouth out with bleach.



A LITTLE ABOUT ME
Most will say that, in more ways than one, I am.......eccentric. Let's cut to the chase. Here are some things that some may not know about me. Some you may find discusting and wrong but I will tell you anyways.
I LOVE FARTS. They are funny as shit. I don't care who you are, if you fart...you are funny. I could absolutely hate you, you rip a good one, and I will cry from laughter. I may end the meeting with a big f you, but for one second...you made me laugh. For anyone who I hate who has farted in front of me, thank you. But don't get the wrong idea. I don't want to go bowling. I still hate you. But you farted and that was funny.
I LOVE GREEN OLIVES. I even drink the juice sometimes just to savor the deliciousness. Just when green olives couldn't get any better, someone stuffed a garlic clove in them! Genius! I love them even more. I put green olives in my beer. It's great. If you haven't tried this, you should try it sometime. However, I have to watch myself when I indulge in this practice as I tend to drink more. I can't wait to get to the end of that delectable bottle just to have the salty ball (HA HA Salty Balls!) of goodness. And no. I know what you're thinking. Salty balls are not next on the list. That would just be disturbing. I love green olives. And black ones too. But they don't go as well with beer. Which brings me to the next.
I LOVE BEER. No further explanation need.
I EAT SKITTLES/M & M'S/REESES PIECES OR ANY CANDY OF THAT SORT IN TWO'S OF THE SAME COLOR. Why? I have no idea. I just do.
I CANNOT GO INTO RIEDS VARIETY (BEN FRANKLIN) WITHOUT BUYING SIXLETS. Never have been able to since I was a little girl. They're amazing little candies and they make me happy.
I LOVE SEA MONKEYS. I haven't been able to find any lately so if anyone knows where I can get these, please let me know. And don't tell me Ben Franklin cause they don't sell them anymore. And this does upset me. Next time anyone sees John Ried tell him to get some. Did you know they are a delicacy for gold fish? Someday when I'm rich you can ask, "Nicky, how did you become so unGodly weathy?" and I will say, "I raise Sea Monkey's for profit." The world will be amazed. For any who do not know what Sea Monkey's are I have included a website to educate you.
http://www.sea-monkeys.com/
I AM VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT ASTROSNIKS. Another guilty pleasure that I hide in my closet. Literally. They are in my closet. But I don't have very many. I would love to have more! HINT HINT. McDonalds had these in the early 80's and actually did some more in '99 I think. I had lost my little people for years at my Mom's house. I found them one day and I was so excited. You don't even understand how excited I was. Why does a grown woman get teary eyed over some green martians? I have no idea but I want more. As sixlets do, they make me happy. Everyone please check your toy-boxes or your old toys at your parents houses for these little guys if you were around in the early 80's. If you find them and don't want them, I would love to take them off of your hands. Please mail them to my office at 216 Enterprise Drive STE 1B Gretna, NE. 68028. I will send you a gift. It may be a canned fart but hey! Farts are funny remember? I have also included a website below so you know what you are looking for.
http://www.toyline.com/bripvc/astrosnik.html
I ALWAYS TRY TO GUESS SMELLS. It drives me nuts if I smell something and I can't figure it out what it is. It's probably annoying to most, me always asking "what smells?" I try not to but I can't help it! My friend Wendy probably gets it the most as I am at her house at least twice a day during the week. She's always cooking something, or some kid has spilled some smelly stuff. Instead of me just smelling it and walking away without question, I have to ask. If I smell popcorn or something that simple I can usually go without saying anything. Never mind, I can't. I still make it known that I know that I smell popcorn. I don't come out and say "I know you had popcorn today!" It's more like a "Popcorn eh?" I'm retarded. I know.
I CAN'T LAUGH WITHOUT CRYING. If I laugh really hard it's very difficult to tell if I am laughing or bawling. I giggle and I cry. I have to say that my Mom and I are notorious for this. The smallest thing will be said and for some reason we get into these fits of laughter that it's almost scary. We were driving back from North Platte one night and we got to laughing so hard that we had to pull over because she couldn't drive because she was laughing so hard. She pee'd her pants and I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. I seriously thought I was going to die because I couldn't stop laughing long enough to breathe. See, I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. And I laugh more when I'm not suppose to. At chorus concerts, I couldn't ever sing because I would be laughing so hard. I would try so hard not to but couldn't. The bad thing was everyone would come up to me later and ask why I was so upset because I was actually crying. Oh....good times....good times.
I USED TO HATE MY SISTER IN-LAWS. Both of them. They hated me and I hated them. Megan told me one day that we needed to go shopping because I was stuck in 1990 something. If you know Megan, you can totally hear her saying this. And I think that's when it happened. That's when they welcomed me into their little world that even to this day scares me sometimes. But I love them. I'm not sure when we all started hanging out but I vividly remember one day shortly after we started hanging out I came home from shopping with both of them. I was telling Ryan about our day and he said, "Oh my God, you're one of them."
Well, I'd better get home. I have beer to drink, underwear to wash, and farts to can. I hope everyone has a great evening.


SELF PORTRAIT GONE BAD
We have goats. It's no secret that I hate them either. I like them when they're babies but after that they get pretty mean and they kick my ass. When I'm around them, that is. My husband can do all this stuff so he assumes that I can do the same things he can. " Here. Nicole! Take her horns and keep her on the ground." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It took every bit of strength I had to keep this goat on the ground. "Just grab her horns and yank her down!" This bitch weighs as much as I do! I have no gloves on, and you want me to what? I do get a good work-out when I work with him. It's like a kick ass weight lifting class. Even if I'm just in there with the kids I still have to carry Sarah around the pen because she wants to go in so bad but they scare her. She's getting better though.
Ryan was going down to Palmyra to sell some goats at the sale barn and wanted me and the kids to go with him. It would be fun I thought. Take the kids and make it a family event. With the goats having kids at the time the only family time we were getting was going out to feed the babies. Apparently goats are like rabbits. They breed all the time and I don't think ANY of our goats had singles. All doubles, tripples, and quads. Therefore, bottle feeding for us! But it was good for the kids and we were together so that's all that mattered. I enjoyed that.
Anyways, we load up in the truck and head to Palmyra. Ryan seemed a little apprehensive about bringing me down there and I asked him why. He says, "Don't be surprised if everyone is staring at you when you walk in. " I immediately took offense a little and was like "Why? I didn't know I had to dress up to go to the sale barn. Do I not look alright? You should've said something and I would've looked a little better." He says, "No. That's not it. People at the sale barn probably haven't seen anyone like you at the sale barn." I'm thinking, very flattering but they can't be that bad. I assure him he is over reacting and we go about our way. We get to the sale barn and hop the kids out of the car and unload the goats. After looking at the few chickens and roosters in cages outside into the barn we go. I walk in and it is, indeed, a different atmosphere for sure. Ryan goes to the office, get's his number, and we enter what I call............ "The arena".........This is a big room with bleacher type seating around a fenced in circle where the animals are gathered in while they are auctioned off. Ryan and the kids go in and I hit the bathroom. I come out trying to find my family and I finally see them at none other than the very tip top of ..."the arena". Now, I've never been scared of heights but for some reason I was having a VERY hard time that night. First of all, let me just paint a picture of..."the arena". For those who went to Ashland Elementary School you know what I'm talking about when I say that the seats were just like those steps in the gym but about half the width of them and practically straight up. Slippery paint covered these and they had varius old couch cushions to sit on. Did I mention the slippery paint? Yes. Slippery paint and couch cushions do not mix. Very dangerous. So, here I am, sitting in the middle of both my kids holding on to them for dear life as I know that if I let go they are sure to fall. Let's not forget that because we were at the very top our back rests were wood 2x4 planks supporting our weight from falling a story and a half in a hole filled with pop cans and pigeon shit. I was shaking, sweating, I lost count of how many times I threw up in my mouth, and Owen kept telling me, "Mom, let go. You're hurting me!" My husband knowing that I was having a bit of a problem but obviously didn't know the extent of my panic attack looks at me and says, "It really steep, I know. You could probably just jump out about 5 foot and land at the bottom and not hit any seats!" Thanks, babe. After an hour and a half I got better. But it still sucked. And there were some weird people in there....he wasn't joking. The only woman in the place was a strange looking woman who somewhat resembled one of the nannies we brought to sell and I thought these two guys hiding out in the back surely wanted to take some of those goats home for themselves....if you know what I mean...
You all probably thought this was the only thing this blog was about but you were wrong. I wouldn't subject you to just read about the sale barn. But I figured I better paint you a picture of the kind of people and the atmosphere of the sale barn to make the rest of my little story more understandable.
Last Monday Ryan was going down to the sale barn to sell some more of our goats. I was at work and thought it would be fun to take a picture of myself on my phone and send him a txt msg. and tell him to try not to pick himself up any honeys at the sale barn. So, I go outside my back door to smoke a cigarette and take some shots. I take the first one and it is so bright outside that I can't see the pic on my phone. So, I poke my phone and my head inside the door with my cigarette and the rest of my body still outside the door so I can see if it turned out. No good. My head and phone go back outside the door for another shot. Take the picture and, once again, my head and phone go inside the door to look at the shot, my cigarette and body still outside. No good. WTF is wrong with this camera? I look like shit! Back outside. I do this approximately 5-6 times before giving up and figuring I would just call him to tell him this. I put my phone back in my coat pocket, look down the way, and see the guy that owns the liquor store outside smoking as well. He's laughing.... Speculation tells me that he has been watching me the whole time, knowing damn well I'm taking self portraits. I simply wave. He waves back. I stomp my smoke, keep my head up high and walk back into my office like nothing has happened. Guess I won't be going there for a six pack anytime soon

WE WERE ROBBED!!! (LAST YEAR)
So, I was robbed yesterday. They took my camera, my brother in-law's laptop, my husbands wedding ring, my Grandpa's pocket watch and some of Ryan's guns. They tinkered in our curio cabinet full of other stuff in the living room but didn't take anything, and left. Dumb ass left foot prints and finger prints. Don't know much more about the case but the kid was arrested a few hours later and all of our things were recovered in great condition and he is in jail. After re-living all the events that took place yesterday, last night, and today I couldn't help but find humor in some things so I thought I'd pass some humor to you that I found quite entertaining . The whole day is another blog but just thought these were funny little tid bits.
Ryan's cousin calls and Ryan tells him what was going on. Mind you, this is shortly after Ryan realizes his guns are missing. If you know how attached he is to his guns you know how distraught he was. Here is a part of their conversation,
Ryan, "They took the twins, man!"
Deke, "That f*ing blows! Is there anything I can do?"
Ryan, "Yeah! Find my f*ing guns!"
Another converstation between my husband and the officer.
Officer, "They are going to come and get a mold of that foot print so there will be a fire truck coming for a spot light.
Ryan, "Won't the foot print melt (it was in the snow) if you try to mold it?"
Officer, "Well, they googled it and think they found a way to get it off the snow."
FUCKING GOOGLE???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Something I have realized in the midst of this tragedy.
If I died tomorrow, I can only imagine how upset Ryan would be. I can honestly say that after the current events that he would not be NEAR as devistated if I died then he was when he thought he lost his babies.
A conversation between my husband and I. Another reason for the realization above. We were listing the stolen items down on paper to give to the police.
Me "OK. So I have the four guns, the laptop, your wedding ring..."
Ryan, "Fuck the wedding ring! That aint shit! They got my guns, Nicole!!"
Point taken, dick head!
Ryan speaking with the officers as they are in his closet looking for prints.
Ryan, "So, those prints will come back from the lab in like what? A few days?"
Officer who is laughing in the closet, "Sorry. Probably a few weeks."
Ryan , "Well, they only take about 30 minutes to come back on CSI."
And I think the best was this afternoon as we were sitting waiting to go to the police station,
Ryan, "I really wasn't mad.....just shocked."
Me, "I hope my veins never pop out that much when I am shocked..."
A friend of mine or my sister in-law(can't remember which) sent me a text msg asking what I was going to do when I found out who took it all, I simply replied without even thinking, " Kill them. Duh!"


OH GEORGE WHERE ART THOU?
Ok. So, I’m sitting at my office listening to my playlist and I have to ask myself, How does one love someone so much when you know they are totally off limits? I mean.......when you listen to their voice you are taken away from your every day duties and placed in this world of euphoria. They go away for awhile and you don’t see much of them and then, the gates of heaven open and GUEST APPEARENCE ON ELI STONE! YEEAAH!
George Michael? Are you reading this? I love you. I know that you are "not my type" but if I could just have the chance to speak with you I think I could help you through your drug addiction and swing you back my way. I’m a pretty convincing midwestern girl and I think it would be good for the both of us to have a little one on one session...if you know what I mean... ;)~ Bathrooms are good for me! I know that’s where you’re comfortable and all. So, yeah, write me back or give me a call. You got my number, Baby.
Note to self. Always carry a sewing kit. I know they are a bit granny like but I have a HUGE hole in the ass of my pants and it’s quite breezy. Wait..... Does that mean my ass is getting big?? Shit.


LA - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (LAST YEAR)
Well, folks, I'm back for Cali forn IA and I have to say it was kind of nice to get away, although for such a short time. We left Omaha at 6:50 am and arrived in Burbank after one layover in Phoenix at 10:30. Flights were good - no screaming kids - no puking - no drinking. Had a meeting at 11:30am in Lancaster so I didn't think drinking was the way to go. We got to the rental car place in the airport and saw some interesting things. First was a Paris Hilton wanna be - tall cow hide boots - tiny little shirt - skinny jeans and obviously either anorexic or had multple surgeries including eyes, nose, lips, tits, etc. long blond hair and a tuffle bag that kept barking and moving up and down. Now, I knew this couldn't possibly be Paris Hilton as this woman put her dog in a Duffle Bag - not a Luis Vuitton lap rat carrier that all the elite have - a regular duffle bag that should have sported "Pepsi" on it or something more domesticated that we may find in our closets. The next are two guys standing for the longest time trying to rent a car. They, too, are wearing skinny jeans and little shoes, however, their skinny jeans are almost passed their ass and their BVD boxer briefs are hanging out. Now, mind you, I am not into high fashion by any means. If you've read some of my blogs I am far from it. In fact, my sister in law has to keep me in the loop on the latest trends. But I know that if you are going to wear $350.00 Rogan skinny jeans you may want to at least buy some Calvin Klein underwear. BVD's are so......well.......me. Not that I wear BVD's but you know what I mean. Domesticated.
Did I tell you that everywhere we went Ryan was the only one with boots and a hat on?
After getting our car we toodle to Lancaster which is about an hour out of Burbank. Traffic was good and we had no problems. The key to a good trip is good directions and we had very good directions. It's very pretty in the valley so I got to see palm trees and big hills and rocks. Of course, not wanting anything to happen to my camera I left it at home. Didn't figure we'd see much with our itinerary but I did grab some shots with my phone. Next time I say, "No I better just leave it at home." someone needs to slap me.
We got there and went to lunch with 8 people at a fancy italian restaraunt called Romis in Palmdale. Bill had to run around $300.00 and that was without dessert. I wasn't too impressed with the place but hey, I was there for lunch. I'm sure dinner was better.
Back to Lancaster for the meeting and other things - got the contract - mission accomplished. They even had a big sign at the front desk that said WELCOME BUNDY TRUCK INSURANCE NICOLE & RYAN BUNDY. Very nice.
By this time it's 4:30 so into rush hour we go heading back toward LA. The traffic wasn't near as bad as we anticipated as everyone was coming out of LA as we were going in so it made for a nice trip.
We drive around Burbank a little bit and fill up the tank of the rental car. Back to the hotel for dinner. Ate some sushi. Ryan had a Ribeye and I just had a salad and a few beers. Still full from lunch. At one point I was feeling a little romantic and possibly a little tipsy from all the tall boys and decided to raise my glass to a toast. I could feel it. I knew he was going to say something so heavenly. Maybe a "Thank you, Nicole, for taking me on this trip. I love spending time with you and can't wait for what the night has in store." and I would whisper across the table something along the lines of, "Well, Mr. Bundy, just so happens I'm not wearing any panties.." As I raised my glass my charming and, I'll say this again, "domesticated" husband raised his glass and with that come hither stare gently says.......................................
"Tits up, eh?"
Can you imagine how utterly special I feel when I am in this man's presence?
Well, we decide to go up to the room and order some drinks. I get four beers sent up to the room. Bill comes, $25.00. I love California. We get through two beers and with the time change we are dead tired and go to bed.
We're both up the next day by 5:30am. We watch some TV and I get up to shower. Awaiting the long day of flights and airports I go down for a smoke after getting ready. I can hear a lady with a southern accent talking on her cell phone about the traffic and how she can't wait to get home. She smoked three cigarettes to my one. I could almost hear her throat and lungs screaming in agony as I put my cigarette out and vow to get back on the gum. I toodle off to the elevator to go back to the room. Apparently, the southern lady hadn't complained enough on the phone so I listened to her for 7 floors tell me about how she wanted to go home where she could smoke anywhere she wanted because she was from Arkansas and it was a free country and she should be able to smoke wherever she wanted.
As I escape to the 7th floor I enter our room around 7:30am and find my husband still laying in bed watching TV and drinking a beer. The beers were $25.00 and we were NOT going to leave them. As he put it, "How often do I get to lay in bed naked on a Saturday morning and have a few beers?" I stuck to my coffee.
Nothing much else happened. We drank some beers throughout the day. Next time I will stick to maybe Captain and Coke or something that doesn't cause a lot of bathroom trips. I'm sure I made some enemies that day! I guess they should have checked in early on the internet and they could've had the window seats!
So, we came home from 85 degrees in California and 92 in Phoenix, to 48 degrees and raining in NE without a coat.
Some advice for you today.
If you must fly with a lap rat please do not put him in a duffle bag. Get a carrier. I just saw three really cute ones at a church auction two weeks ago. They are easily attainable and at a decent price.
When you're significant other raises his/her glass to toast, please take time to think of your words before you speak.
Most importantly - No McDonalds breakfast burrito's before flying! Not good! However, if this is your last resort for breakfast, or any meal for that matter, remember this.... Make sure you do not sit in a seat by yourself. You must have someone to pin this on! Turn the air on above you on high. Close your eyes and gently sway head back and forth with turbulence to give the illusion you are asleep. Softly grin just enough to look angelic. As you slowly release, air streams straight down and away from the release point. People look around as to figure out who did it. But it wasn't you.....you are sleeping soundly and look at the face! That couldn't have come out of that peaceful passenger.
Hope you all have a great week and thank you for flying the friendly skies.

Oldies but goodies

So, I have some new readers which is really exciting! Due to MySpace deleting all of my blogs I am going to post some old ones on here. For those of you who have been up to snuff on my blogs you have already read these. For those who haven't...I hope you enjoy them.





Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tom & Jerry - Hilarious! Current mood: nostalgic
So, Sarah and I were watching Tom & Jerry the other morning and I heard this and about died!!! No one was there for me to laugh with and I couldn't laugh because I didn't want Sarah to repeat it. I have a feeling that no one believes me when I told adults about it so I thought I would post it. So, I've posted it here so you can maybe get some fun out of it. If you've read my blogs you should know some of my favorite discusting words. Please click below and enjoy the innocence of yester-year.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wyNKd0Ab8U&feature=related




Wednesday, November 26, 2008




Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A piece of my mind.... Current mood: blank Category: Life
Just a few thoughts for you today. Let me start by a story I heard on the radio this morning. It was on about a man that since 1977 had eaten over $29,000 Big Macs. What are my thoughts on this? Not much. But I thought it was interesting all in itself. He has only missed 8 days of eating Big Macs since 1977. That, to me, is astonishing!!!! His guts have got to be made of Iron because most peoples' intestines would resemble fish net stockings. This guy actually bought three to eight at a time and would freeze them so he didn't have to go to McDonalds every day. That's just plain retarded.
Let's move along to my son, Owen. He'll be 7 next week and we've just had his first parent teacher conference of the 1st grade. They've told me that with his math and reading he is about as far as he can go in the first grade. With his math and reading skills he is in the second grade sixth month which is WONDERFUL! So enough of bragging about his grades, here is my point. Why would an intelligent 7 year old ask his father for a hair cut? I've told my husband for years that until Owen stops calling me Mommy and stops crawling into my bed at 3:00am I am in charge of his hair and clothes. Go back circa 2000. Ryan and I get back from the bar to our cute little abode when he goes into the bathroom for what I think is a premature morning after beer shit or a sobering shower. It takes a lot longer than I think so I decide the check on him. We had been at the bar all night. Maybe the shower floor had finally rotted through like I'd always worried about and he's lying in the basement all naked and broken. That's when I heard it. A sound I will never forget. Especially when it comes from behind a closed bathroom door.
Clippers. MREEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEREEEEEEER…..
(Shut up…you know you're making the sound….)
I jump to the floor to look under the door and all I see are his feet and hair. Lots and lots of hair. I fling open the door to a bald husband. You can imagine my horror when I heard this same sound on Saturday night. The only difference was, there was a butt load of kids gathered in the doorway – none of which was my son. I hear him say, "Now this, is stinkin' awesome, Dad!" I didn't know you could cut Mohawks!" Not only was it a mohawk, it was a horrible Mohawk. I couldn't look at my son. It was horrible. I avoided him the rest of the night and it wasn't until the next morning that I could actually look him in the face. He kept saying, "Please, Mom, just look at me. It's not that bad!"
My son has an effing Mohawk and he actually thinks this is cool! So, I freaked out a bit, rushed to my sister in-laws shop the next day to get it fixed (cleaned up – not eliminated) and now thanks to my brother, my son thinks he looks like and actually is Chuck Liddel.
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And lastly, one more thing that I have to put up for discussion. I often hear things and have to write them down so I don't forget to discuss them. I found this sticky note in my purse today and I'm not sure if it was the alcohol involved that night I heard this or why exactly it struck me as funny but here it is. Ryan's cousin said one night that "Everything that's sticky can break." For some reason I cannot think of anything sticky that doesn't break. It's driving me CRAZY!! So, I need your help in finding something sticky that doesn't break. Please discuss….

Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Halloween and I'll try to post more later.


Thursday, September 04, 2008
Makes my taco pop!
So, I was listening to Todd n' Tyler this morning and I heard a funny. Well, you may not think it's funny but I laughed for four miles. So, they were talking about new ads that the gold medalists are involved in now after the Olympics and it came to West Des Moines, IA.'s Shaun Johnson. She did an Ortega Taco Commerical and in it says, "Makes my taco pop." They followed up stating that she was speaking about the balance beam. HA HA HA HA. That's funny.
Have a good day!







Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Nebraska State Fair Current mood: breezy Category: Music
http://www.statefair.org/fair/entertaiment/openair.asp
So, the state fair is coming to town and I heard that Miranda Lambert was coming. While I'm not a huge country fan I do enjoy her music and take comfort in the fact that she is not stick thin and she's actually smart. A little twangy, but she can rock it out and is a good person to look to for some "I am woman, hear me roar" comfort. My sister in-law is infatuated with her and I told her I would try to get us some tickets. I looked on her website and ticket master and it showed nothing for Lincoln on her tour. I was surprised to see she was playing in the open air auditorium. The same open door auditorium where the usual spanish singers and dancers congregate every year and entertainers such as Hermans Hermits frequent and you can find my mother in the first row.
For those who don't know Hermans Hermits here is a link for you... http://www.hermanshermits.com/
Anyways, I was surprised but wonder if that's really a good idea for her to do this sort of thing. I think it's great that she is really big right now and she still takes time for us poor folks but for security reasons, and the venues security as well....I feel there is going to be anarchy. But - chances are - I will be in the middle as I don't think Megan will allow us to not go. But remember my words.
I also looked into the other artists coming this year and would like to tell you some of my thoughts on them and why I wouldn't mind going to see most of them.
Miranda Lambert - When else am I going to be able to see a two time CMA Horizon Award nominee for free? I have no idea what that is but it's got to be good right?
Boys II Men - This brings my back to middle school and the middle school dances. Yes, I have the cassette tape and I still listen to it. On Bended Knee, I'll Make Love to you, their remake of Yesterday, all some of my all time favorites. Wouldn't mind going at all. However, you have to wonder what they think of performing the open air. Do they just not want the hustle and bustle of a tour with bigger venues? Or are they sitting back thinking, "Damn. What happened? Many sold out concerts, over 60 million records sold, and we're playing the Nebraska State Fair! Where the f- is Nebraska?"
Survivor - It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight. Risin' up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night. And his fortune must always be Eye of the Tiger......Need I say more. You know you were singing it.
Starship - Let's just say that "We Built the City" is one of my ringtones. When that song came out I absolutely loved it. So much that I blared the radio everytime it came on. The front door of my mom's house entered into my bedroom before we put a wall up. Don't get me wrong, we had made a make-shift wall with a huge entertainment center and a closet thing to keep peepers out but essentially, you came in the front door and you were in my room. One day it was playing and Chad Howard and Jimmy Dimmit were walking by. I couldn't hear them knocking on the door because my music was so loud. Have you ever heard the saying, dance like no ones watching? Well, that's exactly what I was doing but they were watching. Now, they were older than me and when I realized that they were standing at the door laughing their asses off, I was mortified. Good for me, all they remember from back then is my horrible smelling farts in the sauna at the gym and not my impeccable dancing skills. ;)
Third Day - I have no idea who these guys are aside from the fact that they sing about Jesus and are a Christian Band. I figure that if Starship thinks the built a city on rock and roll, then they probably thought the christians should come in and tell them that Jesus probably built the city.....not rock and roll. Some even think rock and roll is the devils music. Watch Footloose. Another one of my favorites, however, that's another blog all together.
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Who doesn't enjoy Fishing in the Dark? It's an awesome song that makes falling in love seem so.....simple and romantic. Two thumbs up. But I would probably leave after this song, possibly grab a twelve pack, and go fishing.
Styx - Oh my. Where do I start? It's Styx! You are not american if you don't like Styx. Or Japanese perhaps, "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo.....domo....." When I hear Styx it brings me back to some of the best times of my life. They take me back to random coutry roads, great friends, lots of beer, and amazing times..... Styx had a big part in my quest to perfect my peeing skills. I went from peeing on my pant legs to flawlessly executing the ditch urination process with not only dry pant legs but dry feet! It's quite a skill actually. There are several things to consider. Wind speed and direction, the placement of the exhaust pipe if you are road tripping, knowing exactly how many beers you can handle without falling backwards as the squat begins. You also have to consider who's driving. Can you trust them to keep the car in park while you urinate? Or not tap the breaks so all in the back seat can see your bright red face. You can't stop once you start, you know. Foot placement is a big deal as well. You need to make sure there is a path down hill. If this isn't possible you need to make sure you can shimmy your feet in different directions to make sure they do not get flooded. Half splits with your pants at your ankles is very tricky and takes mad balance! But don't worry. It's like riding a bike or driving a stick shift. Once you've got it, the skill never goes away.
Well, that's all I got today. I sincerely hope your day is going well. I will be writing two other blogs here shortly about my tainted loofah and a stinky bastard. OH!! And the other day I was sitting at my sister in-laws house and heard another funny saying...or act I should say, that I was going to tell you about but it's really discustingly heinous (and hilarious in my opinion). I've aquired some younger readers so in their interest I've decided to omit it. If you're interested, let me know in a msg and I'll let you in.
Toodles for now good people.
ps. I've had some concerned readers about my peeing skills. I must clarify that I was potty trained aroud 2 years old. Styx helped me perfect my dirt road peeing...not your usual toilet training. Thank you for your concern but I am just fine and can hold it long time...

Hello there!!!

I was just sitting at the office today waiting for a phone call so I figured I would jot down a few thoughts for you that have pooped into my mind the last few days. Wait a minute? Did I just say poop? Well, silly me, I meant popped but not that you mention poop........or did I mention poop? I suppose I could say that the thoughts just pooped into my mind but what or whom was doing the pooping? There has to be a pooper for poop to become poop correct? I mean, poop is waste (unless you use it as fertilizer which I stongly recommend) but living things produce poop because if doesn't belong in our body and we discard the waste in the form of urine and feces. AKA POOP! Which brings me to another question. Who the hell came up with the name Poop? I mean, say it out loud over and over again and you'll start to laugh. poop.....poop......poop......poop. It's a comical word but really...wtf? Better yet, if you are sitting in a cubical or a small office please do the above exercise without laughing. Keeping saying the word poop out loud. Not too loud, but just loud enough to where a few people around can hear you. See how long it takes them to ask you what you are doing. When they ask just say, "I have no idea what you are talking about?"

My son came out of the bathroom the other day and had his underwear in his hand. He looked and me and said, "Mom, I have to change my underwear." He held up his underwhere and I observed the makings of a shart. I calmly asked him, "Did ya' shart, Buddy?" He said, "No, Mom, I parted."

After a night of drinking I came home, layed on the couch, and turned on the TV to find the movie EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH on. I watched it for awhile but had to quickly shut the TV off and go to bed. Can you believe I started to wonder why Jessica Simpson was not famous anymore? Note to self, "You know you've had too much to drink when you think Jessica Simpson has any talent as an actress."

We are remodeling our bathroom. The plumber comes to the house and by golly is he cute. The second day came and he was there to finish things up. I must have had a bowl of balls for breakfast because I decide I should really get a picture of this guy to show everyone how hot my plumber is! So, I calmly walk up to the guy as he's leaving and say, "I'm going to be forward as I'm a pretty forward person. My dad is a plumber and I've encountered many plumbers and none have ever looked like you. I was wondering if I could take your picture with my phone and share you with the world because no one is going to believe me." He kindly obliges however a little red in the face. I turn around to get set up for my picture and here stands my 5 year old daughter grinning ear to ear. Shit.
"Are you going to take his picture Mommy?"
"Yes I am, baby girl. You said he was cute so I'm taking his picture for you!" (I'm a genius)
"OK!" she says.
I get my picture, told him he could fix my pipes anytime, and sent the guys on their way.
A little later my husband comes home for lunch and to inspect the plumbing. I pulled my precious little girl aside and said, "Now, that picture of yours is a secret. Don't tell Daddy our secret ok?"
"I won't, Mommy. Here. Double pinky promise." We shake on it and I'm in the clear.
She goes into the bathroom with her dad and two seconds later says, "I told Daddy the secret."
"Why did you do that, Sarah? You double pinky promised!"
"I told him that I thought he was cute. I didn't tell him the secret of you taking his picture, Mommy!" Fucking great.

Looky here!!!!

Hello all. Welcome to my new and improved blog site. As most of you know, I'm a compulsive writer. I write when a thought comes into my head. I've recently taken my sister in-law's advice and when a thought comes to me I will write it down and jot some thoughts later. I was using MySpace as a blog location, however, being the impulsive writer I am, I never saved these in my computer. Turns out that MySpace deletes them after you have so many. Either that or I'm just a retard that doesn't know MySpace. Probably a little of both. Regardless, I am changing things up a bit and using blogspot. So, be prepared for a little blogging here and there.
You will also be happy to know that I have ordered a new computer for my home office so I can actually write from home more as well. This outdated laptop is driving me crazy! It does the job right now but it will be so nice to have a good computer again here at home!
Well, the bathroom guy is here now so I must log off now. I hope to have some thoughts down by Friday before the Easter weekend.