Memories of a BFF

Wow.  Hello blog world.  It has certainly been a long while since I have typed a blog.  Maybe it's the fact that my life kinda spiraled out of control and things have happened that I wouldn't have ever dreamed would happen to me.  It's been a rough few years that's for sure.  While I could blog about what has happened in the recent past, I really don't think that would help my mind set in the least.  I still don't have any questions answered as to why my life has turned the way it has but what I do know is that I am alive, I am healthy, my children are great and make me proud every day, and I have to move on.  No more trying to analyze things, no more wondering what I could have done to make things better, what anyone else could have done for me to make things better.  Shit happened and now I need to pick myself up, quit wondering how to fix it, and move the fuck on.  But that's not what I want to dwell on right now.  I want to dwell on this picture.

A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook and a flood of memories come back.  My daughter will be going into 7th grade this year and my Son will be a freshman next year.  I have told them repeatedly that Middle School was probably the most trying time in childhood that I had.  The time where most boys turn into assholes and you really find out who your friends are.  I believe this picture to be a 5th grade picture or before.  I only say 5th grade because it appears I have my first round of braces on.  I was blessed in 5th grade with braces, glasses, and special shoes with a wedge in them because one of my legs was longer than the other so the wedge helped with my hip pain.  I told you it was an awkward year for me.  But that's a whole other blog in itself.  Long story short - we got a German shepherd puppy and the puppy ate my glasses, shoes, and my wedge.  Mom was very upset but I was ecstatic.  Ha!

That swimsuit.  That swimsuit was hands down my favorite swimsuit, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I loved that swimsuit.  I LIVED in that swimsuit.  In the summer I would wake up, put on my swimsuit and my cut-off jean shorts, slip on my white canvas shoes from Ben Franklin that I had written all over in colored pens, and I would wait to go to the pool, or play in the sprinkler with Jennifer, or go out to the Country Club with Keni Jane or just go to her house and swim. 99% of my childhood memories include most of the ladies in this photo.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing 40.  Maybe it's because my life is not in any capacity as to what I believed it would be at 37.  Maybe it's because I have lost my way somehow.  Maybe I shouldn't look through old year books and my Senior book because, frankly, I get depressed as hell.  Regardless of what is making me miss my childhood so much, I can't help but remember how incredibly awesome my friends were when I was a kid.  Without my friends, I would have been lost.  Hands down the best friends a girl could have.  What I wouldn't give to just go back to this time in my life.  I often reference the ladies in this photo when speaking to my daughter about her current friends that change from year to year.  Every kid goes through it.  You change classes, you change friends throughout your entire school career year to year.  In the end, you will hopefully still have one or two friends that will stick by you through thick and thin.  Regardless of where you are at in life, what city or state you or they are living in, what you have been through, what you have done, they will always be there.   I am very fortunate to have more than a few.  Those that you can not talk to for years and you never skip a beat.  They tell me when I am fucking up but they also accept me for everything I am.  And for that, I am grateful.  Had it not been for these ladies, I would not be the woman I am today. Good or bad, you all impacted my life and I cannot thank you enough.  Love all you bitches... Love you long time.

If you haven't heard of the show Dexter, read this for an overview http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0773262/. Two of my Sister in law's were hooked on this show and after several recommendations I decided I was going to see what all the hype was about and watch it on Netflix.  Well, LET me tell you about Dexter.  My sister had mentioned that she was doing dishes and she was also watching Dexter on her Kindle.  Her husband was making fun of her because she was doing the dishes in the dark so she could see her Kindle better.  I had recently purchased a new HP Tablet on a whim because it was cheap and I thought this was a wonderful idea!  I could carry the tablet around with me and watch Deter while I did my nightly chores. I got done working one night and was preparing my Dexter marathon at the sink full of dishes.  After 20 minutes and several attempts at getting Netfix set up on my table,t (wrong email/password combo) I almost gave up.  It's new and I've barely used it so I put it down and started the dishes, thinking I would just try it the next day when I had more time.  After about 15 minutes I couldn't stand it so I picked it back up and put in the same combo I tried the first time and it worked.  By this time the tablet is almost dead so I plugged it in and set it up in the window sill in front of the sink.  I had dishes to do, remember? I used my miracle green tacky stuff to hold it upright in the sill and I started in on my night of Dexter and dishes.  The show had JUST started and a friend of Ryan's came over with a 12 pack of beer.  OF COURSE those a-holes come in the kitchen to chat.  So, between taking Owen to and from Youth Group, making and cleaning up dinner, and them two talking, I didn't get to watch it hardly at all because it was pointless even to try.  I maybe saw 30 seconds of it, seriously, and I just figured it would have to wait until the next day. I had forgotten about it until I heard Owen yell from the kitchen shortly after he got back from Youth Group.  I rush in to find my tablet, that brand new tablet (barely used remember), being pulled out of the dish water by my Son.  Somehow, it had spontaneously flew in there, PLUGGED IN!!  My Son dove right in after it and tried to save it.  I am in full fledged panic mode at this time and ripped it away from him. I quickly unplugged it from the wall so we wouldn't have an electrocution in the house and then proceeded to tell him how he really needed to think ahead in these situations because he could've been killed!!  Needless to say I needed a stiff drink after that. I did not get to watch anymore of Dexter and my barely used tablet went straight into a bag of rice to hopefully dry out.  

Long story short, Dexter almost killed my tablet and attempted to kill my Son and myself. Nicely done, Dexter. Nicely done.  

Promises

Promises are meant to be broken. Even the best of people in the best of intentions break promises on a daily basis. We all, in essence, are alone in this world. In my opinion, you yourself should be all you need to survive. There are the obvious things needed to survive in the ways of water, food, compensation to get the water and food, etc. Emotionally though, if you look inside yourself, the answers will come to you and you will, indeed, survive. The saying "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" is a dead on interpretation of life that we all should rely on. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. It's how we handle those mistakes and rectify them, if need be, that determines what kind of people we truely are. It's never been my intention to drag anyone down with me when I fall on my ass, and trust me, I've been doing it quite a bit lately. If I relied on the promises people have made me, whether it be friends, family, television, radio, whoever, I would be a lot worse off than I already am. Promises are mearly statements that sound good at the time and make a person feel better temporarily. But the fact of the matter is, most everyone breaks promises. 95% of the time it is completely unintentional and cannot be avoided but it is what it is. A broken promise. Had you not made that promise you would not feel guilty about breaking the promise and the promisee would not feel betrayed because your promise was broken. I'll admit, I do let some promises take hold of me and I resist the temptation to be objective. It's human nature, after all, to want to trust. But 2 times out of three, I get shit on. BUT the difference is, I blame myself for giving into temptation. I just recently pinned a funny to my Pinterest account.

See? People even over-trust flatulence. Trust is not something given to you, it is to be earned. If you can't trust your own anus, why would you trust another? My point is this. I am not perfect. Far from it, actually, but I'm ok with that. If I fall on my face I know it's because of something I could've corrected, not because I trusted someone to do it for me and promised to make me happy. There are too many people out there pointing fingers at others for their own lack of self confindence to make the right decisions. For our own protection we enlist the help of another to make the decision for us. When the decision fails, guess what? He/She did it. If we were all to trust ourselves for our actions, even blame ourselves for our actions, then there would be less hate in the world. No promises made means no promises broken. I've made some bad decisions, that's for sure. However, those bad decisions teach me how to grow, make me humble, and will eventually make me a stronger person. I have a long way to go, but when I achieve the person I want to be, I will know that I did it on my own accord and that makes me smile.

Dear Soda Bottle Manufacturer...

Dear Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer,

The children are out of school today. I have four children running, yelling, crying, tattling, and fighting, and absolutely destroying the clean home I had this morning while I'm trying to maintain a full time job. I attempted to take them out to lunch to get them out of the house for a bit but none of them could agree upon where they wanted to go. Needing toilet bowl cleaner I decided that if they couldn't agree I would go to the store where I then purchased hotdogs, hot dog buns, cottage cheese, dinner for this evening, cookies, and toilet bowl cleaner, not to mention a pack of smokes (was planning to quit tomorrow - NOT going to happen), an 18 pack of little blue yummies, and a soda to tide me over until 5 or so. After saying "NO" 50 times to silly bands, I make it home to prepare the hot dogs. Now I was going to grill the hot dogs but the kids were being so unbelieveable rediculous I decided to punish them and make them on the stove. Not wasting my propane on these little shits today. There wasn't enough food and some wanted another hotdog while some wanted more cottage cheese but there wasn't enough for everyone to have seconds of both. I told them to figure it out. "OWEN!!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!", "CODY!!! STOP HOGGING THE KETCHUP!!", "SARAH!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" If we would've went to eat somewhere they all would've had their own meal and this wouldn't be an issue now would it?

I grab my soda and retreat to my office and close the door.... My soda will not open. You see, you've revamped your caps to where they are smaller and much harder to grab a hold of. I've tried absolutely everything to open my soda. You're lucky I bought the soda in the first place because, honestly, if I didn't have all these kids under my care, I would certainly be drinking beer by now. But I'm not. I need the soda. And while I would've rather purchased the Pepsi, I didn't want to keep the kids in the store any longer so I grabbed you, Coca Cola. The palm of my hand is red and the more I try to open it the more bruised my palm gets. The last attempt at opening my soda on my own I almost started crying. Not because of the blister I have that will eventually turn into a callus leaving my hands rough and knarled, not because of the red welts that even ice hasn't brought down, not because of the severe pain I now have in my hand from trying to open the damn soda. No. It's the mere fact that I'm having a HORRIBLE day Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer. And all I want is my FUCKING SODA!!!

Do you wish to know how I got the bottle open, Mr. Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer? Tools...Plyers and a Screwdriver... I had to use TOOLS, SIR!!! And now I have to wash those tools. You want to know why? Because once I got the damn thing open it FUCKING EXPLODED!! Leaving my tools and myself drenched in soda!!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pour the now half bottle of warm Coca-Cola down the drain and get me a beer. Screw you Coca-Cola. You suck.

The Jiggle Machine

For those who don't know, I moved my business from my office from Gretna into my home so I could spend the summer with my kids. While all in all it has been a great time and I love it for the most part, I have my days where I ask myself, "What the hell have you done?" I watch the kids' cousins as well a few days a week as well, not to mention The Mafia. My point is, there are usually between 4-6 kids here on a daily basis.
Although it's only Tuesday, I believe I already have my "Question of the Week". My question came yesterday..."Mom, we were wondering....do babies come out of your butt or your privates?" Now, there were four kids having this discussion. My two and their cousins. Had this been non-family extras I wouldn't have even responded but since they were family, I simply stated "Privates" and walked out of the room. End of discussion. I texted Jess (the other Mother) and went about my day. If you read my blogs at all you will know that nothing that comes from my childrens mouths surprises me. Why, a couple weeks ago, out of the blue, my Son asked me, "Mom, sometimes my ding dong goes straight. Why does it do that?" I explained that it's a part of growing up and he was just going to have to deal with it. To that he said, "Well, that's stupid and I don't like it." Sometimes things sound really bad to me but are innocent. For instance the other day we were just finishing up a delicious Sunday Dinner when Alannah came to the table and said, "Josh likes to choke Weinus!" Now while this is funny in itself, you have to understand that Josh is her mothers boyfriend. Her mother is my cousins Ex which made this absolutely hilarious!!! This...is why I love Sundays. Dinner topics from poop to weinus.
Anyhoo, so with the question got me thinking that some of you should get to know the people who brought me into this world, Bruce and Jolene Wagner. Now let's be real here, me telling you about their personalities or what good people they are wouldn't be very funny. Don't get me wrong, they are GREAT people!! They would give you the shirts off their backs if you needed them, they are outstanding citizens, and they put up with my shit. That in itself makes them saints, right? BUT that's not what this blog is about. No, no, no...as they would title it on MTV..this is "The Shit You Didn't See"
We'll start off with my Dad, Bruce. You've seen his picture in a previous blog when I explained that I wasn't sure if my Dad was a genius or an asshole regarding my Kitty Cat, Toby. First let me just say that Toby is a name for an animal, just so we're clear. M'Kay?
My Dad is extremely talented. My Dad has a catch phrase of sorts known by our family and probably a lot of his friends. "Well, shit, I could've made you one of those!" And theres a good chance he can! He can make pretty much anything. Growing up he also used to bring random shit home. He brought my Mom home an under the couch tanning bed one time. I think she was actually kind of excited until we realized the plug on it was European or some shit and we couldn't use it. He was an electrician and he explained that he would change the plug when he had time and it was no big deal. We never used the tanning bed. When he'd bring stuff home my Mother, my Brother, and myself would just stand there and stare at it as he explained what it was, how it worked, and why and/or how he aquired such things. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I look back now and have to laugh because it was almost as if we were in a Griswold movie.
My Dad brought home a jiggle machine one time for my Mom. Now most women get pissed about getting a vacuum cleaner because it denotes that more cleaning needs to be done. A jiggle machine, Dad? FAIL!!! Zac (my brother for those who still don't know I have one) and I were quickly warned by my father not to use the jiggle machine. Did he really think I was going to listen to him? DUH!! It was a JIGGLE MACHINE!! The name alone has a child intrigued from the start!
The next day I had my friend Keni Jane over after school (to show her the Jiggle Machine, of course) and my brother had Danko Pike over. I will use his real name because it's not a bad story about him. Now, I had a HUGE crush on Danko Pike. Most girls my age did and Keni Jane I were giggling from the time he arrived. While Zac and Danko were upstairs holed up in Zacs room listening to music or talking about girls, Keni Jane and I were downstairs and I was demonstrating how the jiggle machine worked. While I was getting my jiggle on, somehow, my long hair got caught in the belt of the jiggle machine and it wound it up similar to winding a yoyo sting up in the yoyo. My head bashed against the machine, leaving me pinned against the motor portion. It all happened so quickly yet, in my mind, I remember it frame by frame. I distinctly remember letting out three short screams and that's when it hit me. I had to keep quiet. My brother could not know I was playing on the jiggle machine because he would for sure rat me out, and Danko most defintely could NOT see me like this!! After controlling myself I turned to consult with my "friend" on how I was going to get out of this predicament and she was no where to be found. That's when I heard two small feet running above me towards the stairs followed by four larger ones walking quickly and giggling. Damn you, Keni Jane!!!
When they finally make it downstairs to where I'm trapped, they could not control their laughter. Zac walks over to assess the situation. "YES! Zac will know what to do!!" WRONG!! The first thing he does is turn the damn power back on!!! So here I am, pinned in this thing and the belt keeps trying to pull my hair in even more. The problem, you see, was that all of my hair, up to my head, was wrapped so tight around the thing that turning it on just made my temple bang against the side of the machine very fast and very hard. I'm yelling at him, he's yelling/laughing at me, and somehow I manage to turn the power switch back to off...(where I had it in the first place, Dick Head!) Now, not only is my ego bruised, so is the side of my head! He takes a few tugs at my hair. It doesn't budge. About 20 minutes goes by and I'm getting rather irritated at this point. He's my big brother! He's suppose to get me out of shit like this and he's got nothin'! I ended up just ripping my hair out of the belt. Surpisingly, my hair was fine, but my ego was crushed as I walked passed Danko and up the stairs in shame.
Next time you see Keni Jane or Danko (if you know them, of course) ask them if they remember that day as well as I do. Probably not, but I would be interested to know what that episode looked like from their perspectives if they do.
And if you're wondering....The Jiggle Machine was never touched again...

Words are a funny thing....

WARNING...INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE AND VIEWS...NOT FOR YOUNG READERS OR THE EASILY OFFENDED
I often wonder how words become words. Is there money in word making? I mean, do they get royalties with every publication of a dictionary? I'm always looking for different words to become a part of my vocabulary. Broaden my horizons, if you will. My sister in law and I started a game a few months ago that lasted about two days. We would pick a word for the day and randomly text each other using the word. While this probably sounds utterly rediculous and boring to most of you, I found it highly entertaining as did she. Por ejemplo...
Corkage - A charge exacted at a restaurant for every bottle of liquor served that was not bought on the premises.
Corneous - Made of a hornlike substance; horny; hard - resisting weight
Her text to me.... "All this corkage has made me corneous."
With these types of text messages it got me thinking of other words I found absolutely hilarious! Some are childish, heinous, and discusting. But to me? Pretty damn funny. I'm just going to dive in..
The following definitions I got from Urban Dictionary. For the full definition you can click on the word and it will direct you. It's actually quite comical if you have the time to read through them.


QUEEF -
an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.
First of all...Coitus? I'm adding that to my list! Who says that? I WILL!! "Excuse me, Sir? All this corkage has made me corneous...how's about me and you find a place for some coitus."
I actually quit saying queef back in middle school but I was called a queef not too long ago and brought it straight back into rotation.

POOP -
Bodily waste of varying color, viscosity, shape, odor and texture. Usually exits the body through your pooper, speed, noise and degree of pain may vary depending on what you ate.
Please note that I do not like poop itself. I despise dog crap and cat crap. Remember my Take Cover blog? It's the word itself that makes me laugh. Poop. Now theres nothing better than a nice poop. Quick and Painless is the poo of choice for me while some may say slow and steady wins the race. I was talking to a good friend the other day and for some reason as always our conversation reverted to poop. We were discussing post hot wing poop, I believe. You know, the ones you wish you had an ice cube afterwards to tame the corneous devil some call a chocolate starfish. The question or conversation was one referring to the steam. Would your brown eye steam if an ice cube would be placed in said area? I'm thinking not but how cool would that be? Well, maybe not so hot (pun intended) for your anus but it would make for a good internet short! Were you aware that washing your anus too much can interfere with the essential oils on your butthole? It's true. I saw it on The Doctors. ;-)

FUNGI -
A lifeform that behaves like both a plant and animal. It reproduces asexually using spores, or seed-like cells. When the spores germinate, they expand and consume whatever food source is on hand, be it living or dead. When the living mass is ready to reproduce, it sprouts spore-containing structures.
We all know what this is, however, I just like saying it. I can't say FUNGI with throwing in a ninja move of some type in the process. Or at least drag out the "i" like an asian assasin. It brings me back to middle school speech and drama class. We had to do a skit in jibberish about an object. I've always been fairly good at keeping a straight face ESPECIALLY while speaking my version of Chinese..aka jibberish. I remember doing my skit on a hair pick. I don't remember much from the performance aside from my friend Sherry's face when I lunged at her ninja style. With my eyes wide and all bugged out I stabbed her in the leg with my pick yelling, "FUNGIIIIEEEEE!!!"
My Mother also gets a good taste of my "chinese" anytime we are both in a public restroom. Take Walmart for example. If there are other people in the restroom with us I will yell at her through the stalls in "chinese". She knows it's me but can't quit laughing. Ahhh....I love embarrasing her.

RART -
1.) When you really need to go for a shit and it suddenly catches you off guard. You have to stop everything you are doing, even if you are in the middle of a converstion with someone. you then run to the nearest toilet at the suprise of anyone watching. as you run, you uncontrollably fart, suprising even yourself! but often enough it is funny for all involved, it depends how well you know the witness
2.) A reverse fart. Audible from the outside. Sounds exactly like a fart but occurs within the abdomen
I'm going with the second one as that's what I've always defined it as. I've witnessed this on several occassions and I'm not going to lie...it just doesn't lose it's comedic value in the least. I'm not sure whats better...the rart itself or the look on the persons face who clearly just rarted but is claiming they didn't fart! "I didn't fart!! That was my stomach!!" No, Dude. That was a fart. It just didn't make the exit.
Speaking of farts, if Owen walks passed you with an evil smile, chances are he's going to come whisper in your ear, "I just crop dusted you..."
It's no secret I think farts are funny, however, I do have limits. (Check out THIS ONE.. I WILL do this to someone before I die) Anyhoo...limits.... In the bedroom, for instance. I'm not saying I don't fart in my bedroom but only when NO ONE is in there with me and I probably fart in my sleep. If I said that I didn't I would probably be lying. I'm quite confident everyone farts in their sleep. All I'm saying is...
#1.) If I lay down at the end of the day, fresh sheets on the bed, close my eyes to find that perfect dream...the last thing I want to smell is funky ass rot that makes my eyes water. Unacceptable, Dude...really... #2.) I would prefer to wake up on my own accord. Via alarm clock, children, sunshine, something pleasant. Not a big ass fart followed by a grunt at the end of it. COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!! And don't even think of pulling the dutch oven on this girl. I'm a complete bitch in the morning and I will have no issue pulling my own personal FUNGGIIIEEE on your ass. M'kay?


DINGLEBERRY -
A smallish, semi-dry, extraordinarily tenacious remnant of fecal matter which, when unwittingly rolled into a mixture with toilet paper lint by the action of wiping, becomes almost irremovably entangled among ones anal hair, a situationality exacerbated by the vigorous chafing and friction between the buttocks and most commonly remedied by the sad and almost entirely unavoidable remedy of plucking out at its root the individual hair to which each dingleberry is conjoined. Of related interest, dingleberries are often noted as having the vague odor of undigested corn or peanuts.
Thank the Lord I have no funny stories about a dingleberry pertaining to myself or anyone around me. I have, in the past and present, repeatedly washed the laundry of two men aside from family members in my adult life. Ryan Clark and Ryan Bundy. I am pleased to announce that neither of them had any type of skid mark nor remnant of a dingleberry that I witnessed. Next time you see one of them give them a pat on the back. Then take a picture of their face and send it to me when you tell them why you are so proud of them. (I'm going to die aren't I? hee hee)

NARDS -
1. Reference to testicles, or bravado.
2.Expletive, expressing ones dissapointment with a situation
Balls...testicles....BRAVADO? I've NEVER heard this before... "The Knight in shining armour rode in on his white horse and while showing great....NARDS.....rescued the princess!!" WHAT? Is this a Mad Lib? Am I on candid camera? I love you Urban Dictionary.
I'm rolling with balls, nuts, testicles, berries, you know....NARDS!!! Since Owen, my son, has been little I've referred to his as nuggets. Last year during baseball I swear all he did was hang out in the outfield and grab his junk. When I approached him about it he told me, " Mom...you of all people should know baseball is all about sunflower seeds, spitting on your shoes, and scratching your nuggets."
He's now getting older and "balls" and "nuts" are being used. He's got older cousins so he hears these terms quite regularly. I guess I can't keep him young and innocent forever, right? It does make me sad, however, knowing my little boy is growing up when I hear these things come out of his mouth. I'm not going to lie, I forget his age a lot. He'll be sitting in the chair in his boxers at night and I'll calmly look at him and say, "Dude...I can see your balls." He hysterically laughs and tucks them back in. He is the only kid I know who can hang out in his underwear all day long. No matter who is here or who comes over, he's still rocking the skivies. But when you tell him to get some pants on he will hide behind the couch to put them on over the underwear he's been donning all day. 8 year old modesty at it's best.

TWAT -
1) A great word to shout out. 2) A woman's vagina. 3) A blow to the face or genitalia. 4) Used by Tweety. 5) An offensive term for a person. 6) Acronym for The War Against Terrorism.
Wait....did I just read that correctly? An Acronym for the War Against Terrorism...hmmm... Can you imagine Katie Couric or Diane Sawyer using the term TWAT to describe the war against terrorism? Youtube would be anarchy!!
I'm sticking with #2.
When I watched Glee for the first time I wasn't a fan. I thought it was a rediculous show and I didn't see what all the hype was about. Then I said to myself, "Self...you didn't like Hot and Sour Soup the first time either. You tried it a few times and now you truely think it's one of the greatest thing on the planet." So, I watched it again...and again....and again.....and I fell in love. The blond sold it for me. Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester. "I'm going to kick you square in the taco." I almost pee'd my pants!! Yeah, yeah, I know it's not twat but it's still pretty stinkin' funny!
While I don't refer to my bits as a twat, I will call you a twat on any given Sunday. I just like to see the look on peoples faces when I do and they take a double take..."Did you just call me a twat?" "Why yes, I believe I just did."

Time for this chick to go find that perfect dream. And God help the child who comes in and ruins it with a decent fart.
More to come, my Friends!!

More Randomness at the Project Bundy..

So, I jump in the shower this morning and start to do my thing when I realize that the tub is backed up AGAIN!! I'm not sure why the hell my kids..wait - scratch that...why my DAUGHTER constantly makes me go downstairs to pull multiple items out of the pipes so my tub will drain. Not to mention the monkey I pulled out of there last time. I swear we should be bald with the amount of hair that comes out of our heads. With a backed up tub, I cannot, in good conscience, pee in the shower nor brush my teeth. It's one thing to stand in your own soapy filth but once you pee, you're screwed. And yes. In the morning, I brush my teeth in the shower. Some ask why I would brush my teeth in the shower. To them I say, why do you not brush your teeth in the shower? It's a proven fact that hot water cleans better than cold water. Plus I can spit all over myself and not look like I'm experiencing an epileptic seizure!! AND with my water bill - the more I can get accomplished in one shower, the better. Healthy teeth lead to healthy lives! This poor guy didn't see me coming. Although that is a bag over his head isn't it...

Ahhh....my children...Owen and Sarah. Unfortunately for them, they have my sense of humor. They find the stupidest things funny which is always a good time for me. I'm not quite sure what Owen is doing in this photo. What I can tell you is that he is not mentally handicapped....sort of...... And Sarah? Well, she just digs cotton candy. I don't understand cotton candy. I think it's super that it is sweet and it melts in your mouth but I have to say, I am not a big fan. Cute picture, none the less.
This picture brings me to my next subject. Stupid doctors. I dig beer. I think it's pretty tasty. And I'm pretty goofy, especially with a beer in my hand. My point? Who says you can't drink beer and get goofy while on a heart monitor? Stupid doctors do!! (woops) Do you want to know why I find this picture so comical? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. While most would think the fact I am sitting on a toy dump truck is comical, this is a regular occurrence with me. There is a good chance that when I tried to stand up the dump truck came up with me. HEY!! Quit looking at my boney knees too. That's my Dad's fault. No, this is not why this picture funny. You see, this picture was taken in my back yard. My picnic table, my cooler, my beer, my camera....yet I have absolutely no fucking idea who the three people are behind me. Not a clue!! Next time someone says I am hard to get along with, I'm going to have to whip out this picture. Look at me! I seem nothing less than lovely.


Decisions, decisions....

My Aunt Rox gave this picture of myself and my daughter to my father for Christmas labelled "My Girls". I'm not sure when she took the picture, nor what was happening, but I think it's HILARIOUS!!! This was obviously during Sunday dinner or the preparing of dinner as I believe that is an oven mit on my hand? At least my Aunt made sure I didn't have my apron on. Now that would have been embarrasing....

This is how I spent my birthday. 22 oz Boulevards, family, and mustaches. Have I ever mentioned that even if I giggle, I cry? I often laugh uncontrollably to where I cannot breathe and I feel I may die at that very moment. I guess there are worse ways to die, right? It took absolutely all I had to keep somewhat of a straight face while taking this picture. So, it may look like I was pretty wasted but I was not. I was just bawling prior to this shot as I was laughing too hard. And then it continued after I actually viewed this picture. How can you not laugh? Brandee looks like a Nazi Chipmonk!! I also took a video of her because she said she wanted to be a TV star but I can't figure out how to post it. I mean, I can, but I need to edit it a bit and apparently I can't do it, or don't know how. One of the two. I'm leaning towards I don't know how. Seriously...Look at her face again...

This is one of the pictures I should've read more into as my daughter grew up. It clearly shows that she loves torturing her brother. And she still makes that face to date. "HA HA!! Eat that, Owen!!! You big, fat pussy!!" She actually said that the other day at my office. My brother in-law was there working on my computer. Now, they had been there quite some time. Probably from around 10:00am and this occurred around 8:30pm maybe? They were discussing how Sarah could kick Owens butt. My son is built a lot like my brother, Zac. I often look at him and wonder where his organs are. Sarah has always been a brute. She was a stalkier baby and toddler and we often found that in any physical altercation, Sarah was usually the winner. Not only was she bigger than Owen, he wouldn't ever fight her back because she was younger and she was a girl. Now? Not so much. It still takes a lot to get him to fight back but he does it when he's pushed too hard. While Sarah is thinning out quite nicely and losing a lot of baby fat, let's be honest here. They both weigh 50 pounds and she can still take him. She kicks his ass and after the fact he warns her with, "you better not mess with me...I'm at least 50% ninja, you know." ANYHOO - so we're at the office and they are going crazy. They start to wrestle and Owen actually get's Sarah down on the ground somehow. She jumps up and says that he cheated (which he probably did as there is no other explanation). Owen states that he did not cheat, he was just stronger than her. That's when Sarah lost her cool and yelled "Owen - You're just a big, fat pussy!!!" Monsterous laughter arises out of my brother in-law while I quickly turn around to compose myself before explaining that we are not to use that word. Which brings me to my next picture...

Nothing like a 35 year old man to show the kids who's boss. Leg Wrestling... As I said, we had been in the office a long time. The computer was running updates so Uncle Shawn (my computer tech/brother in-law/pro leg wrestler) decided to mess around with the kids and show them how to leg wrestle. They wrestled as I laid on my loveseat and observed under the warmth of my comfy blanket. And if you are wondering, the answer is no. You do not have to take your shoes off when you come to my office. I've been referred to as Mrs. Rogers. I have had the same office sweater for probably 7 years and the same office slippers for about 5 years now. It was muddy out and Shawn took it upon himself to take his shoes off. I told him it was fine, he disagreed and removed his shoes. Thank you, Uncle Shawn, for saving my red carpet.

"Do you really think I can bite those? You see, I have no fucking teeth!! I understand my cheeks can hold four of them at any given time, but really? I'm humilated right now..this is not funny.."

This is my Dad, Bruce. You can see where I get my impeccable hand gestures from. A little story for you I haven't quite figured out yet. Either my father is a genius or he's an asshole. I'll let you make the decision. One fine day a little kitty came about our back door. For those who don't know, I live in a small town. Our house sat (and still does for that matter) on an alley. Down the alley about 50 yards maybe is the Public Library. I named him Tobey and he was my best friend. About a week after he came to me, my parents had some friends over. I would assume it was the neighbors as we frequently had them over. Anyhoo, my Dad lured me into the living room and explained that the cat needed to go. I looked down at him laying on my lap so peacefully and tried to bargain with my Dad telling him I would never have another animal again if I could just keep the kitty. Mind you, there were several people around and I was devistated. He told me that I needed to go let the cat go in the library bushes where I found him. If it was meant to be, he would come back home. If he didn't, well then, that was it. No more Tobey. I hugged that little kitty all 50 yards and told him how much I loved him and that he just needed to come back home to me. I let him go in the bushes, and cried all the way home. I continued to cry for approximately an hour on the couch in front of all the guests. The library was 50 yards away. He knew damn well the cat was coming back. Here's the question....Did he make me do that to be a dick and watch me cry for nothing? Or did he do it because he knew that I would think the cat loved me and was meant to be with me when he came back? Only he knows...I get him back every so often though. I sneak over to his house and put a paper towel under his salt shaker lid when he's not home. He salts and takes a bite. salts some more, takes a bite, salts a little more and then it hits him...."SON OF A BITCH!! SHE GOT ME AGAIN!!" 30 minutes later, I get a phone call. This makes me smile.

"Did you seriously just blow ass in my car?"

I have no words for his one. I may get hung tomorrow. But she doesn't read my blogs anyway so she'll never even know. Remember the mustache picture? Nazi Chipmonk? She makes me laugh.....

One more and then I shall be done. I went out for a girls night out on Saturday. We went to Blair and hung out with friends and I had a great time. Wait!! Here's a picture..

Jenny, Megan, Heather, Brandee, and Myself. Toward the end of the night this guy was trying to hit on Heather. I called him Chin Strap all night. Not sure how much he liked that but who cares. It made me laugh. My mouth often gets me in trouble...especially with a few beers in me. Granted, I speak what I think, but I usually can control these sorts of things until you go just a bit too far. I wouldn't consider myself a bitch. If you're an idiot, I'm most certainly going to tell you so if you are out of line. So, as we are leaving he is trying desperately to engage Heather and tell her how much money he makes. This kid is 25 and should know better, however, Chin Strap was an idiot. I tolerated it for awhile but it just got old. Heather and I walked out of the bar to smoke a cigarette before we left. Chin Strap and...we'll call him Blind Melon...walked out after us. As we smoked, Chin Strap was telling Heather how good he would be to her and said..."Baby, I make so much money, the Government pays ME every year.."...................just....................can't...................do..................it................anymore.

"Hey, Chin Strap...you're a douche bag. Did you hear what just came out of your mouth?"

"What? When you start making money like I do they will pay you to keep working too.."

"Stop talking, Chin Strap. You're just digging a hole for yourself."

"Why are you being a bitch?"

"I like to call it education on how to pick up a chick. You're not doing so hot, Chin Strap."

"You're just hatin' because I make more money than you do." (yeah, he said hatin'")

"Go home, Chin Strap. Google IRS. You obviously have more lessons to learn."

"No!! I'm a grown man and I will go home when I want to."

"A grown man knows about taxes, Chin Strap...and you're a douche bag. I'm just trying to help you out."

Blind Melon had to push him into the car because he still wanted to argue the fact that the government paid him money every year because he made too much money.. Urgh..stupid people make me laugh. Then I drove home, or attempted to. Missed my turn, ended up in Arlington. I made it home finally after a brief stop at my office to pee. One of the many advantages to having an office between Omaha and home. Great pit stop!!

Well, people, this blog is utterly disappointing, I agree. I think I've lost my funny.... Has my life become so mundane that nothing funny ever happens to me anymore? Someone!!! Please come make me laugh!! Say something remotely comical or at least stupid so I can make fun of you!! Or myself!! I make fun of myself all the time!! I have resulted in taking pictures off my computer and phone just to write something!! I feel a book in my future...we'll see though...

Have a nice night, everyone. I'll try to post more soon.