Open Air Auditorium!!!

Here it is! State Fair time again folks! Last year to witness this event in Lincoln, NE. After this year you will have to travel to the big GI (Grand Island for those who thought I was talking about the army.) Since I can remember I have been going to the state fair every year with my family, most of all with my Aunt Rox. Most of you know her. I think everyone does, actually. As a child it was a long exhausting day for my brother, my cousin, and I, but well worth the wait when you'd feel that wrist band being placed on your wrist around 4:00..So many rides, so little time. We would scramble to the best rides getting on them first for fear that we would waste our time on the sissy rides. We often passed the freak shows and I always wondered what exactly was in there. But, they did not take the wrist bands so we never got to go in. I didn't have the pleasure of going into the freakshows until a few years back when I begged Ryan to let me go in. We went, we conquered, and I was brutely disappointed when I left. Of course, I got the whole, "I told you we shouldn't go in there..but you always have to see shit for yourself." bullshit. Oh well. Probably the reason I was not allowed to enter them in the first place. Thank you , Aunt Rox. All these years I just thought you were a tight ass? Now as an adult, I know where you're coming from. Did I just say I was an adult?? Let's just strike that from the record shall we? Yes, I think we shall. If you ask my Aunt about various theme park trips she's taken me on, she will tell you that I was a chore to say the least. I listened well, and didn't complain much (that I remember) but I had other issues. It's a good thing my Aunt is strong because it never failed....I'd get too hot, not have enough sugar, she'd notice my lips turning blue, I'd pass out, she'd carry me somewhere to puke, then we'd be on our way. By the time I was 12 she was a seasoned nurse of sorts to the episodes of Nicky. Even too this day I think she's always worrying about having to carry me somewhere if my blood sugar gets too low. At my wedding, she came into my dressing room with a six pack of orange juice and sat there so she could watch me drink at least one. She knew....she knew.... Although, now she worries more about carrying me home because I've drank too much. lol I love you, Aunt Rox!



Let's skip to the concerts I have attended at the Nebraska State Fair. Just a few that stick out in my mind.



NKOB - The first....New Kids on the Block...I've blogged about his before, however, MySpace decided to erase this blog for some reason. SAVE SAVE SAVE people!!! Learn from my mistakes. I went to this concert with my mother, my Aunt Rox (of course), my GRANDMOTHER!!!!, and my cousin, Ron. Yes, you probably know him. Ron went to the NKOB concert with his MOM, his AUNT and his GRANDMOTHER, and his cousin. Sorry, Ron, but you were there and you can't hide anymore! I got my ears pierced and that night was the night I got to switch my posts out for actual earrings.



Lets flash back. Mind you, I had tried to get my ears pierced before. Twice actually. Both resulting in me passing out and puking before the second one was done. Then I went to the mall with my Aunt Rox one faithful day where she had them both done at the same time. I was great!!! My ears were pierced, I was smiling....I jumped off the chair, walked toward the exit of the store with my new bling....and that would be where I woke up hearing my cousin Ron state, "Don't worry...she does this all the time..."..My Aunt Rox, again, picks me up, carries me out into the mall where I lose my lunch in the trash can. We sit there a bit and I then complain that I am hungry because there is nothing left in my stomach.





So, my ears were pierced and I got to take the posts out. We go to the mall and I pick out the longest dangly earrings I can find. I will never forget them. The went down to my shoulders and they had little tear drop pearl things on the bottom of three independent chains... I was wondering where my box of tampons were because I knew, I was growing up and I'd need them pretty soon, I was sure of it. Big dangly earrings - NKOB concert - I was a woman.





COLOR ME BADD - Oh, Keni Jane. Remember this one? I believe Natalie Wright (now Sherman) was in attendance at this one as well, however, in other seats??? It's all very vague to me now. Yet another band we were completely in love with. I think it was a good concert? I don't recall seeing too much of the band, aside from singing "I wanna sex you up!" but it was definitely one I will remember.





GARTH BROOKS - Another of Keni Jane and I's excursions to the Devaney Center. We thought sure we were sitting next to Garth Brooks himself and the guy on the stage was an imposter at one point..



Then there is the open air auditorium where I recall tons of Mariache bands played. I swore when I was little that this was the Mexican side of the fair. I blogged last year of the artists coming to the open air so I thought maybe I'd do it again this year. There are some pretty big names coming for the send off! Here is my take on them:



LEANN WOMACK - I can stomach country music as I'm forced to listen to it almost on a daily basis and some are most definitely better than others. When I listen to music I take in a lot of factors.

Lyrical content, arrangement, production, vocals, BASS GUITAR!! Hey, my brother plays bass, my father can play bass, my mother plays bass, I do not play bass :( . I really need to learn. It's a goal of mine. Bass guitar kicks ass!! There isn't much I know about LeAnn Womack aside from the fact that she is a 43 year old mother of two who hopes you dance. Noted. I dance every day in my kitchen and around my house. Chances are if you come into my office, if I'm not at my desk or on the phone, I'm dancing. Wait - I dance while on the phone too if the music is right. I just wish maybe she would play some music that I can actually dance to. Because all that I've heard is pretty damn depressing...I'm sure I could dance to this by myself but it would look kinda strange with my arms wrapped around myself swaying back and forth like a bad case of undie butt.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBGZrljOm-Y



HALL & OATES: I would absolutely LOVE to go and see Daryl Hall and John Oates! Are you kidding me?? Maneater??? Not only does it have a Tenor Saxophone involved the hair is amazing!!

My best memories of Hall and Oates took place at Shaley and Harry's house. Oops...did I say that out loud? I meant Haley and Sherry's house. Amber (their mom) played the BEST music on Saturday mornings as she cleaned. Hall and Oates, Carly Simon, Tracy Chapman, The Dooby Brothers!!!! Hall and Oates...they were a favorite of mine for sure. Maneater, Kiss on My Lips, Everytime You Go Away, Private Eyes, Out of Touch...all great tunes!! If you aren't familar with Hall & Oates it is definitely a twosome you should look into. Yes, I did say twosome.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4



REO SPEEDWAGON - I'm not even going into this one as you all know them. If you don't, well, there's a bottle of draino under your sink, I'm sure. Ok, well, here's a link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqY0x7Mpo9s

TONY ORLANDO - I know the song...could give a shit less, however.. Sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzK_xznptXA

BRET MICHAELS - Oh God! I can see this venue packed with tight, tapered, ripped, stone washed jeans, lots of hair, aquanet, and blue eye shadow. Bra-less mosquito bites that you can see through the arms of their cut off belly shirts they're wearing. This would be a concert I would only go to wearing my best ass kicking boots I own and I would have to drink at least a six pack before walking in. I would go, camera in hand, just to document the event, and I would guarantee I would be laughing my ass off at every moment...I probably couldn't even take pictures because my eyes would be so filled up with tears I wouldn't be able to focus. Bret Michaels was great back in the day, but come on people...Give it up. And to you Bret Michaels? Hit show on VH1 (for some reason) and now the Nebraska State Fair Open Air Auditorium? As apologetic as I can be....WTF? I mean, what the hell happened to you? Oh!!! That's right...you're washed up, you can't pick up a chick on your own, and you're playing the NEBRASKA STATE FAIR D-BAG!! You aren't John Bon Jovi, you need to fix your make-up, and you spend more time fixing yourself up day to day than I do. And I bet your balls look like dried prunes...Yeah, I said it. Dried prunes. But think about it. I bet they do! Every Rose Has It's Thorn, you know. You may want to keep your rose away from his thorn or the next day it may feel like thorns when you pee. I'm just sayin'...Unfortunately, I may have to go to this one....just because now I'm curious.

NEWSBOYS - It's a Christian Band. About all I know. It seems to me that the lead singer seems to be more possessed by the devil than blessed by Jesus. Please witness the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsXfvayqGEU

RANDY TRAVIS - A country music icon. When I first heard the artist Josh Turner I could not stomach it. When the long black train or whatever the hell it's called was playing on the radio I shut it off. Ryan said, "Thats a good song!! Turn it back on!" I said, "No. I will not. He isn't Randy Travis nor could he ever be." Now everytime Josh Turner comes on Ryan will call me and say, "listen to this!" put the phone up to the speaker where I, in turn, hang up. End of story.

MONTGOMERY GENTRY - Country band. Dudes, that is not your town. I just looked on their website and under their first album listed it states, "Available now at Cracker Barrel." No further explanation needed. Cracker Barrel? You're kidding me, right? Hey! Pick up some toothpicks for me when you go there would ya? The cool ones that have a designs widdled on the top. Please and thank you.

STEPPENWOLF - I would probably venture out to see Steppenwolf. But first let me grab my bag of doobage and hit a country road on the way to Lincoln. They've had some great tunes including, but not limited to, Magic Carpet Ride and Born to be Wild. I dig the vocals of John Kay and Danny Johnson does great playing lead. Might I say, this would also be one where I would bring my camera.

So, all in all, I'd say a good venue this year for the Nebraksa State Fair! I'm impressed! Not near as impressed as I am with the corndogs. Let's be honest. I eat my way through the fair. It just has to be done. I will live off salad for a whole week just so I can stuff my face at the fair. You walk into the Devaney Center and you can smell the aroma of the cinnamon and sugar and you know those nuts are just around the corner.....(hmmm...interesting...may have to try that sometime. I can hear the advertisement now. Coming from none only than Jessica Simpson herself. "Do you ever have cheesy balls? Take this shaker. Just a little dab, thats all you need..) And you must go to the Ag Hall and get some honey in a stick. Not sure why. Sweet honey minus the mess. Genius. Speaking of sticks, you can buy a lot of things, "on a stick" at the state fair. Anything they can put on a stick, fry, and sell, it's at the fair. They could put a piece of shit on a stick, fry it, and someone would buy it. Just because it's on a stick.

One last thing before I stop with the fair....go to Corny Corner and get some corn! They are great friends of my family and they have been working the State Fair for YEARS!!! They've had a very hard time dealing with the move. They have top notch sweet corn and they are great people! Do it!

Ok. Time to venture back to reality and hit the grocery store. URGH!! Wish me luck!

I wish I had been a better kid...

I woke up this morning to beautiful day! The sun was shining brightly through my window pane, the bluejays were not crying out in anger......the smell of farts I did not smell.....life, for me...was pleasant...I look back at yesterday and think that maybe, just maybe, today will be a good day...No. Not good. GREAT!!! Let's flash back to yesterday...the first day of school...
While I have been preparing my dear children for their first day back at school I knew it was going to be a chore, especially for my daughter. After all, she has been with me the last two years as I'm too much of a tight ass to pay for pre-school. I found the same stuff Owen brought home online so I decided to teach her myself and save the $100 a month. Now, I thought of her not being around other children on a daily basis aside from her cousins but she had been in daycare and she's never had a problem with me leaving her before. The closer it got to school the more she was clingy. I took her school shopping and she got new clothes, a new Hannah Montana back pack, a new Jonahs Brothers lunch box, a necklace, a bracelet, and a new watch. Not to mention the essentials of school supplies, skivvies, shoes and socks.
The first day of school comes. Mom is up and at 'em.....wait....is it up and Adam? Or up and at 'em? I'm sticking to my version.....Anyhoo, I get the kids up and Sarah is ready to go to school the minute she wakes up!! I grab a jar of pickles for my friend and put them in my purse. I'm fully aware that this sounds strange. My neighbor canned a bunch this year and still had ones from last year so I have plenty to give away. It was raining, mind you, however, I was not going to go into the first day of school with a jar of pickles in my hand regardless of the weather...
Sarah and Owen get all that needs to be done before school and we head off. Sarah explains on the way how she is nervous but she seems to be doing fine. We get to the school and Owen walks in with no problems as always. He could really give a shit less whether Mom is around at this point. I take Sarah inside and what do we immediately encounter? A bawling Kindergardner which just happens to be a friend of Sarah's. She has no idea what she is doing or where she is going. Apparently, the bus just drops them off and they are to fend for themselves. I look at the teary eyed girl and feel her pain....poor thing...then it hits me....shit. I look at my ever so excited kindergardner and she too, is starting to tear up. SHIT!! Well, Nicky comes to the rescue I take her precious little hand and take her to her leader..."This one's yours!" I say as I make the hand off. We then make it to Mrs. Starns, poor soul...At this point Sarah is crying pretty good and hanging on my leg like four hour old oatmeal (<----you a="" about="" along....="" am="" anarchy="" and="" as="" at="" awhile="" back="" being="" bread="" break="" brutally="" but="" butter="" by="" calmly="" can="" cleaner="" come="" coming="" correct="" course="" day="" didn="" do="" down="" em="" everything="" fingers="" for="" free="" from="" full="" girl="" god="" goes="" going="" good-bye="" grab="" grabs="" great="" gutter="" hair="" hand.="" hand="" has="" have="" hell="" help="" her="" housed="" huge="" i="" if="" in="" is.="" is="" it="" jar="" jerked="" just="" kicking="" know="" left="" like="" liked="" little="" m="" managed.="" massive="" me="" mention="" mind="" moving="" mrs.="" my="" nestled="" not="" notice="" of="" off="" on="" one="" out.="" pickles="" point...all="" possession="" princess="" pry="" pulling="" purse.="" purse="" re="" right="" run="" s="" say="" says="" screaming="" sharply="" she="" shirt.="" shirt="" smile="" something="" spelling="" spew="" spewing="" starns="" starting="" state="" strap="" t="" taken="" tank="" tell="" than="" thank="" that="" the="" then="" there="" think="" thinking...hell="" this="" tightly="" time.="" to="" took="" tops="" try="" trying="" turn="" very="" was="" welcome..did="" what="" where="" with="" ya="" yelling="" yes.="" yes="" you="">MY BLACKBERRY

will be dowsed in bread and butter pickle juice. I finally free myself and take off toward the door. FREEDOM!!!! FREEDOM!!! The kids got home from school and a good day was had by both. They were both telling me about their day and seemed very excited about the next! Just when I thought things were looking up I went and took a pee. Yes, I said it. Took a pee. Used the restroom, John, whatever...While no one had been in there recently it oddly smelt like a turd. After tending to my business I decide to investigate. Nothing on the floor, nothing in the corner. I turned and was face to face with the shower curtain. "Nooo." I said to myself. "Surely I don't need to look in the tub." I turn around. I turn back. I have to look in the tub. As I ripped the shower curtain to the side, there it lay. The lone turd. I ask the kids who left the turd in the tub and I got nothing. Owen didn't do it, and of course Sarah didn't do it. Ryan came home shortly afterwards. I calmly ask him if he, by chance, knew about the turd in the tub. Needless to say, he didn't. He walked into the living room, shut the TV off, looked at the two of them and in the most serious voice the man can make he says, "You two have 10 seconds to tell me who left the turd in the tub." I couldn't do it. I had to retreat to the kitchen and try my hardest not to let them hear me DYING of laughter. Owen immediately started protesting that it was not him. All his turds go in the toilet and that he even remembers to flush them now. Sarah hangs her head and ever so slowly raises her hand. We never did figure out why she left the log in the tub but needless to say, she was sent in to clean it up.

Fast forward to today...Today..I woke up this morning to beautiful day! The sun was shining brightly through my window pane, the bluejays were not crying out in anger......the smell of farts I did not smell.....life, for me...was pleasant...I look back at yesterday and think that maybe, just maybe, today will be a good day...
The kids woke up and we did the daily routine. Get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc. We are off to school. Owen finds his line perfectly and goes with no problems. I walk Sarah over to her line and she's a little nervous but falls right in. I give her a little nudge on the shoulder and tell her to have a good day and I'll see her after school. She looked a little weak but she was doing good. I gave the old back of the knee drop to Owen and told him good-bye on my way by. As I walked to my car, the whole staff of the superintendents office was watching me waiting for a sign. (My mother works in there) I gave them the thumbs up and three came back to me. I walked to the car, my head held high. Two kids in school...none on the way, and no freak out sessions today.
I get back to the house and jump online. I just start typing and my phone rings.....it's the school nurse. "Mrs. Bundy? This is Mrs. Tucker and I have Sarah in my office and she had vomitted and complains of a stomache ache. She has no fever and she says that she's not aware of having a cold." I reply, "Sarah can puke on command. She's not sick she just doesn't want to be there. Let me talk to her, please."

Sarah: "Mommy? Are you going to come get me now?"
Mommy: "You made yourself throw up didn't you?"
Sarah: "Not really. My stomache just didn't want my breakfast anymore"
Mommy: "Really? Sarah, you have to get used to school. You have 12 more years after this year."
Sarah: "So, are you going to come get me now?"
Mommy: "Put Mrs. Tucker on the phone."
Sarah: "Who is Mrs. Tucker?"
Mommy: "The nurse."

Long story short I went to get my daughter and we came home to which she had to sit on the couch all day including when the other kids came home from school and got to play. Well, she ended up in trouble again and sent to her room because she wouldn't listen to me. My friend Jess came to pick up her two kids that I keep after school and Ryan had come home in the meantime as well. She heard Jess out here and came out to say hello. As she's talking the Jess I take a second look at her..

"Sarah, did you cut your hair?"

"NO!" Her hand immediately goes to her forehead. **(please see below for explanation)**

"SARAH?....DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!?!?"

Yeah, she cut her hair. I order her back to her room to get me the scissors.

"I don't know where they are!"

"Find them."

"I don't know where they are!"

"Find them, Sarah."

"I don't know where they are!"

"FIND THEM, SARAH!"

"ok, I'll find them.."

I go to her room and I see multiple colored hair swatches from her dolls on her bed as well as the floor. I call Meg and she thankfully feels for me and comes over after she closes her shop to fix what my daughter had done.. It's not terrible, but it's short none the less.

Ryan took her to school today. She was crying when they left and Ryan said she was shaking like a leaf when they got there. She faired well, however, and she said that she didn't cry after she got into the school. She had a great day. I have high hopes for Monday. We'll see how it turns out.

**I've told my children since they were two years old that Mommy and Daddy can see a red mark on their forehead when they lie. With proper training...my kids now cover their foreheads up when they are lying so I cannot see the red mark. They haven't realized yet that they are completely giving themselves away by dork slapping themselves. I don't even have to do it! Not only do I know they are lying, they kick their own asses trying to cover it up! And this, my friends, makes me smile.

Well, I'm off to my sister in laws for a much needed drink and maybe some food. What an exhausting week!!! And did I mention I hate weekends?? This one definitely is not going to be any better. Busy and too much to think about. Let's all hope for a better week for Nicky, shall we?

Until then...I bid you all adieu...Have a great weekend!

Good afternoon. I had some free time so I thought I would jot a few things down today. I'm a little more upbeat today rather than my last post so no worries on me going ape shit crazy with the keyboard and feeling all down and out. I get a few posts now and then from people commenting on my blogs but, Man, I really freaked people out! My inbox was full!! I'm going to have to post one of those every so often just to see who's reading and who's not.
I've managed to waste most of the day working.....that always sucks....but it does pay some bills so I guess I will continue to do it. Damn the man, though. Damn the man!! Hey, Wes, that's a good one to put in your queue. Empire Records. Excellent show.
Anyhoo..I heard a great fart story the other day. It was amazing to me because not only was the story itself funnier than shit (involving a hot tub and all! Now that's some good stuff right there) it was the fact that as they were laughing due to their flatulence, they were laughing even harder because they were thinking of how funny I would think it was, therefore, laughing and farting even more. Farts make me smile. As foul as they are, and as inappropriate as they can be...I just can't help butt laugh my ass off. I'm laughing right now, for instance, because all this talk of farting and I just wrote, "can't help BUTT laugh my ASS off." Awesome!! Butt really, to my friend that farted....what the hell did you eat?
Both of my kids are starting school tomorrow. Sarah is very nervous to start Kindergarden but I absolutely cannot wait!!! I blogged about having lunch with Owen a few years back and there was a girl there I had a brief incident with regarding Mummy Dogs. I think it's on this blogspot. I think back now to how absolutely amazed I was at the attitude of this little girl. Now my little princess is going to school. HOLY SHIT! Watch out. I pitty the fool who gets in her way. Good luck to ya! She's good. I was tucking her in the other night and she's like, "Mom, just one more book, please?" I simply told her no and that it was time to go to bed. "Oh, Snap." she says.............Oh ,Snap?.....WTF? I do not say "Oh, Snap" Diva. Another good point to the kids both being in school is that I can actually go to my office, work a straight day, and not have to pick up my office!!! AND I don't have to constantly say, "When I'm done with this invoice we'll go home.." or "if you guys don't shut your mouths we're never going home!!"
We went to see Demetri Martin on Sunday. It was a great show and I couldn't have asked for better company! I wished some others could go, but dinner was great at HuHot and the show was excellent. If you ever get the chance to go see him, GO! He was well worth the money.

The Mustache Party - well, I'm going to be honest with you....I've heard the term "Mustache Party" and me...well...being me, I believe this to be a naughty deal. I mean, it's called a Mustache Party! A "Baby, I don't care if you don't have a mustache, I'll put one on you.." kind of party. Well, I recently read some posts on Facebook regarding some people I know enjoying, you guessed it, a Mustache Party. All female from what I understood. And a "sexy Mustache Party" at that!! It entailed some posts stating that it wouldn't be a sexy Mustache Party without games. Apparently they had these too!! Two things run through my mind.
#1.) If this is a party where all of the women wore fake mustaches or drew them on...sitting around drinking beer...playing some cards, dice, whatever....I'm thinking this would most definitely be a party I'd be down with. That sounds hilarious!!!
#2.) If this is a party where all of the women wore eachother as mustaches..sitting around (if you get my drift) drinking beer...playing some cards...........I'm thinking this would most definitely be a party I'd be down with.....
(HA! Gotcha didn't I?!! To each his own but....I'm sticking to the stick <----that, was funny.) Well, after much thinking, (and googling) I decided that I would ask other people exactly what a mustache part entailed so if by chance I was ever invited to a party themed as such, I would know what I was getting into. Trust me when I say, when you go to a key party thinking it's a game of Clue, it gets very awkward when the bowl of keys comes around. So we're sitting at the Demetri Martin show waiting for it to start and I ask the people I'm with what they think it is. Mind you, we are in a straight row of chairs 3-8. I lean in, keeping my voice down, of course, "hey..psst...what exactly is a mustache party?" "A MUSTACHE PARTY!?" Wes asked. ..So much for keeping it down!! We discuss it further and Jess and I are on the same page. We think it's naughty. Shawn is googling it as we discuss it further. All we can find are pages to buy mustaches. So, we resolve that the mustache party is, in fact, just that. A mustache party. And I will be having one in the near future. Just because I think it would be an ASS LOAD of fun!!
Speaking of ass loads....I'll leave you with a comment I just heard today. Speaking of the spicy oil at HuHot...."that doesn't fly with the brown eye"...sick, yet, I cry from laughter.......

Good day to you all!! I hope everyones week goes as well as a mustache party and may you always think of me and smile when one rips a good one...

I'm better now..

Ok people. Five beers in (seven now, damn I can't type very fast!) and I'm feeling much better. Although, pardon my typing. I thought maybe after reading my last post I should follow it up with a little cool down, if you will. After speaking with a close friend, I am somewhat better. In the back of mind, I know, that this too, shall pass. I'm just having a hard time letting it go. Now, now, I know it's only been 7 hours, I know I'm being selfish, and I know it's probably for the best. BUT I had what was best for me at the time. I'm going to stick with the saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people." I've accepted that my twin is a part of me. I should set it free......and if the fucker comes back?....well......there are obviously more issues and I'm more fucked up than I thought!
No, really, I don't have a twin inside of me with teeth and hair. Fucking gross. But I'd make the news for sure!!! And don't tell me that all of you wouldn't be at my door wanting to see it either! Damn vultures!
A great friend told me that when life deals you lemons you make lemonade. But without the sugar and water you just have....lemon juice. I'm going to, again, learn to deal with the lemon juice.....I can only hope that at some point in my life, whether it be tomorrow, 9 years, or 20 years down the road, life will deliver me some sweet sugar and some refreshing water.....Until then, I will be content with with what I have. And damn it, Sean, I am settling, but it doesn't make me soft! It makes me practical. And I'm a simple girl.
I'd like to dedicate this cool down period to Anheuser Busch. You make me a better person...you dirty devil you! Have a good night, all! I'm grillin burgers!!!

Stone Wall

This blog is more on the serious side today. I know, I know, who wants to be serious, right? Well, somedays, today being one of them, I have no desire to be anything but serious. It's been a pretty shit day to say the least. Honestly, the past few months have been everything from incredible to extremely depressing. As time goes on, I find myself looking back and wondering where the hell my life has gone and who is this person? People have came back in to my life, others have slipped away. Some just sit idly waiting for me to make mistakes, as others push me to the limit and encourage me to be the best I can be as a person, a writer, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I try, I really do, some will say I go over and above what is expected of me while some will tell you I don't try hard enough. Some I will make happy, some I will make sad, some I will fall in love with, some I will forget. Some will love me, others will hate me, some will just pass me and say "hey". I pick my battles and deal with them accordingly. I've never been one who wants to fight or argue but you know what? Some days just don't work out for me. In turn, they aren't going to work out for you either. Somedays, you just have to sit back and say, "Fuck it. Fuck you, fuck your friends, fuck your perfect little life that you think I'm fucking up, Fuck. You." There is only so far a person can bend before they break. I will not break. I've put up my wall, Bitches, try to break me down. I dare you cause it ain't gonna happen no matter how hard you try.
What I've realized in the past few months especially is somethings in life cannot be nourished without water. Sand will fill voids in your life. You've read the email I'm sure about a teacher filling a jar with golf balls, marbles, sand, and water - or some shit like that - the sand fills all the empty space between the other objects in the jar. I, too, find that I am a jar. I had the golf balls, the marbles, and the sand. All that was missing was the water. I recenly found that water. That's when reality comes into play. The shit the email doesn't tell you. Just when you have your jar filled with everything you could ever imagine, reality tips the jar. The jar slowly pours out in your hand. The golf balls and the marbles just fall to the floor as you can't hold them in one hand. Whats left is the wet sand. The important parts. You hold your fingers together tightly for as long as you can but they grow tired. Your fingers begin to separate. The farther your fingers separate the faster the wet sand falls to the ground. Life has left you to start over again.
So, I was digging through some old papers and I came across a song I had written back in the day. As I read it, I realized a lot of things about me have changed and how some will never change at all, no matter how hard people try to change me. I am me. I have packed parts of me away and vowed never to let them return but, ultimately, as water sits on leather, it begins to break down. That fucking water. I welcomed the water and I knew exactly what I was getting into. It was absolutely wonderful while it lasted and will never be forgotten. No worries, no regrets. Now that it's gone I guess I will just have to re-pack those parts and put them back in cold storage for a rainy Sunday in Montana.
I'm sure you're all wondering and will be talking about what happened with Nicky? "Does anyone know? Is it a boyfriend? Perhaps a girlfriend? Maybe a new puppy? Did she find out her twin is inside her living off her like a parasite?" Consider the fact that, quite possibly, maybe Nicky just had a shit day and had a lot to get off her chest.

....Here's the song I wrote years ago. I can't even tell you when it was. I'm going to have to say.....high school? Shit. I'm even more depressed now that years ago was in the same thought of me being in high school. Fucking great! Better go get another 18!

Guess what? I'm back. New life starts today. Let the fun begin...

Stone Wall

You look around the room,
And you're surrounded by people,
The crowd in which you think you belong.
You've built your image,
As an independent person.
You have strength, you are strong.

When you're screaming inside,
And your heart is cryin'
You somehow manage to smile.
Cover up all your fear,
Beacause you know inside your dyin'
Letting it show has never been your style.


REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.

Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.


If you're ever in a bind,
Look inside your self,
'Cause no one's going to be there.
Tell them to screw themselves,
'Cause your the stronger person.
Tell them it's you who doesn't care.

And when they come to you for help,
Turn the other way,
Say, "Sorry, Man, I'll pass."
"I've been there before,
And you made me stand alone,
This time, you can kiss my ass!"

REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.

Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.