Dinner at the Bundy's

Hello everyone!! I just had the most interesting dinner with my family. We are still pretty traditional for the most part. Mom cooks, sets the table, and the family washes up and comes in for dinner. Tonight was no different than any other night. I looked on my calender to find the meal of the day, mutilated the chicken, cooked it to perfection even though I destroyed it (pat on the back for me). This month is all new recipes from an AMAZING cook book I got from Sams. Yeah, thats what I said. Sams? It's great! I got a whole month of recipes from this book. And it was only $13.00!! Hard bound and all!! Alright, enough of my old lady ways....
Anyhoo... <----I love that word.... :-) Dinner started with the routine question of what happened at school today. Owen was first to answer today as it was his turn to go first. Then Sarah followed up with her side of the story. She always has "her side". That girl is going to kill me. Owen had woken up this morning with a killer bloody nose. I was up with him for about 40 minutes trying to get it to stop. He explained that he had pee'd "just a little". We took his sheets off, put new on, and climbed back to bed, cotton balls up both nostrils. Cotton balls....funny....cinnamon buns... (Owen just wanted me to tell you that he blew one out of his nostril too last night. No lie. He's right here. He thinks he's my editor). ANYHOO!!!! So, Sarah "pee'd a little" too last night so here's how the conversation went...some may have a better time with this conversation than most. Some know how the last month has been for me.... Mom: "Since you both "pee'd a little" there will be no more drinks after 8 this week" Sarah: "Yeah, Dad, that means you, too!!" (Mom has face in hands trying not to laugh and failing miserably) Owen: "Yeah, Dad, and no beans either!! ESPECIALLY the brown ones!!! Those are baaad..." (Mom is bawling and can't breathe) My laughter subsides as Sarah is showing us her new dance and song she learned in Spanish today. I'm composed and ready to take on whatever dessert has in store. Dessert is ice cream tonight. Camel, Chocolate, and some sprinkles. (I was just re-reading this and realized that I wrote camel!! I'm not changing it. I meant caramel but it's way to funny to change. Easily amused, remember?) I don't do dessert very much. (Nor camel for that matter.) I'm just along for the ride at the table (sans camel). I grab my notebook and a pen and nestle in my seat waiting for the next word to take me over the edge. My son has taken a bit after someone a few of us know and constantly grabs his crotch, adjusts, whatever. Not only does he do this, NOW he now itches his butt as well. The other day I asked him again "What is wrong with your butt?!!" and he says, bright eyed, as Owen always does, "I don't know Mom!! Maybe I got the worms!!" This in itself doubled me over with laughter. I'm easily amused, I know this. I think everyone does at this point so I'll quit saying that. So, we're sitting at dinner and I ask him again why he keeps itching his butt. Ryan and I talk back and forth for awhile and I mention the worms. I consider maybe we should put a piece of tape over his butt hole and wait for the worms to come out at night because they are nocturnal.

Ryan: "The one he has ain't nocturnal, Nicole! It's out all the time!!"

Not sure why...but I spit beer in my eye. Literally, spit my beer out of my mouth and it landed in my eye.


Wait....


Not quite sure why...
I spit beer in my eye...
maybe it was because of the pie...
or the fact that I...
laughed so hard I thought I was going to die...


Ok. Not so good, but hey, I tried. Stick to the blog tonight, Nic. Stick to the blog.

Well, it is still bothering him, apparently, and I told him tonight at dinner that I was going to look at his butt. Not proper dinner conversation but I am who I am and I said it. Ryan is shaking his head and says that there is no way he's looking at his butt.

Me: "If that worm comes out and hisses at me," (insert index finger squiggling about) "YOU are getting out the tweezers and getting it out!"

Ryan: "NO! I.AM.NOT!"

(Moms hands are over her face equipt with a napkin, DYING, trying to breathe)

All the while Owen and Sarah are mimicking me with their index fingers squeaking "reeker reeker reeker reeker" as I was with my finger. I didn't dare take a drink of my beer as I know it was going in my eye again!! And did I mention I could not breathe?

I see the fear of God in Owens eyes at this point looking back and forth from myself and Ryan.

Owen: "Really, guys, it's fine. I don't have worms!!! do i??"

Mom: "I'm not sure. I hope not. But I'm going to check. Just to make sure."

Granted, the kid is 7, but who the hell wants to spread his cheeks so his Mom can look at his butt crack? Not me. My Aunt Rox had to sit in a room with me....well....never mind....AGAIN!! sorry Aunt Rox.... ;-(

Owen goes and gets in the shower as directed. Ryan and I discuss further what could be making his butt itch. Maybe it's lack of washing...maybe it's too much washing...I go to the bathroom and tell Owen to make sure to wash properly.

Owen: "Should I wash it with super hot water, Mom, so I can burn it?" I hit the floor. This is like a whole night of butt worm!!!! The kid really thinks he's got the worms!!! The beers probably didn't help my sense of funny either.

He gets out of the shower and comes into the office where I have started this blog...

He was mortified!!! He bends over...I look....

"THERE HE IS!!!" I yell as I push him away from me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! You should have seen this kids face!!!!

PANIC!!!

Possibly as funny as my Dads face when he flew off the treadmill that time at Laune's SPA. PRICELESS!!! For those who know my dad....tooth pick legs...brown softball shorts....oh yeah.. THE MUSTACHE!!! Or when he (my Dad) didn't believe me when I said my cabinets were hot (like electricity hot) and he got it. "WOAH!! THERE SHE IS!!!" 220 through his tiny ass. again..PRICELESS!!
I explained that his butt was fine. Dudes...his butthole is fine...and someone please print this out. He thinks it's awesome that I'm writing about him. I told him to wait until he was 16 and then I would break this shit out and he wouldn't find it so cool.

So, quite possibly not as funny as I found it, but it's taken me several hours to complete this blog so I am most definitely posting it. And I am SOOOOO in the dog house again...why would I not post it? I mean, damn, take away my TV, what the hell am I suppose to do?? Dishes?? I think FUCKING NOT! Nice try though... Two thumbs up!!..............there are no keys on this keyboard to do the thumbs up or I would be doing it!


ooooo...closing thoughts.. one sec...gotta pee...
My pee break is done, I'm out of beer, and it is time to hit the sack to start again tomorrow anew....
My first closing thought....
Bounty has false advertising.. One sheet didn't NOT clean up my Kool-Aid mess from earlier. One sheet doesn't do DICK for a gallon of grape Kool-Aid!!! You can suck it!!!
And my second...
Ask my cousin Ron if he can still play AND SING my dog has fleas on the guitar.

Good night to all!!!! God bless the King, get rid of that ring, rail me till I sing..blah blah blah...

Signed....

The Jonas Brothers...

I Saw Her Today...At the Reception...

a glass of wine (or ice cold beer)...in her hand....Rolling Stones for all those who are retarded - minus the ice cold beer, of course. That was just me ad-libbing. I do that a lot. Either don't hang out with me or deal with it. :-)
Anyhoo...
Beer, wine, whatever your poison, alcohol goes hand in hand with any wedding reception, doesn't it? Does that make me an alcoholic? No, my friends, it does not. It means, that when you put a white dress, tuxedos, alcohol, and a DJ together you get a jack and coke stained dress, a ripped up tux missing a cuff link, one hell of a buzz, and some enilated people trying to dance. It is a great time had by all! Well, maybe not everyone.
Have you ever noticed, what I call, the "Newlywed Couple"? This is the couple you find in the corner holding hands and cooing at eachother. They have obviously been married under a year, have had no children, are are still in their honeymoon stage. "Oh I hope you are as happy as we are!! It will be bliss, I just know it!" Hey...You...Open your mouth so I can puke in it. I got news for you two. The honeymoon ends, bitches! Kiss up now kissy poo's. Dude - wait until she sends you to the store for Massengill. The "blue" kind. And Princess? Ohhhh, Princess....you just wait until you are cleaning off the underside of the toilet seat lid because - SOMEHOW - your loving groom has managed to blow ass so bad that apparently had so much power to it that it actually lifted him off of the toilet seat and has left shit shrapnel on the bottom your lid. Not to mention it has been on there for a week because prior to when you got married you shared the cleaning duties. (SLAP) WAKE UP!! It's all yours now. Honeymoon is OVAH!! Enjoy yourself tonight though....really...enjoy...(suckers)
There is also always the recently divorced or 20 something who has just broken up with her boyfriend in the bathroom crying, "Why me?? (hurl) I thought he loved me!! (hurl) "
Along with the food, wedding cake, booze, and the above scenerios, there is also the music. You have the first dance, the father/daughter dance, etc. etc. all of which the bride and groom (ok, the bride) picks out. But then there are the others. Some are good and some are great crowd movers but you know what? There are some terrible wedding reception songs that just need to be burned, you know? I do research for these blogs sometimes. What better research than to hear from some of my favorite people? Especially if it gives me more reason to listen to more music!! I posted somewhat of a suggestion box on facebook and I got a lot of great suggestions!!! I'm going to list them all and give my take on some of them.

MONY MONY (Billy Idol) - While I'm a big fan of White Wedding, Hot in the City, Eyes Without a Face, as well as Rebel Yell, Mony Mony is one song that, quite possibly, because of drunk wedding reception goers, makes me want to kick a koala bear. I'm not sure if it's the actual "gotta get laid" thing in the middle or the 54 year old pot bellied drunk in the middle of it all screaming it actually thinking that it is going to get him laid.


OLD TIME ROCK & ROLL (Bob Segar) - Again, I love Bob Segar. He, along with bands like Styx, CCR, and The Rolling Stones had a huge part in my high school drinking career. The song as a whole is a pretty good beer drinkin' song. If you're just sitting around drinking a beer and tapping your feet it's great!! Here's my problem with it. If you were standing in front of me right now, I would dance for you. It is the same dance, danced by all to this song. I'm not talking about the Risky Business dance by Tom Cruise. If you don't know this dance, you would totally get it when I showed you and say, "Oh my God!!! You are right!!" My Grandmother did it, my Aunt does it, my Mom does it. I would have to say, ANY woman over the age of 45 does it. And don't tell me you don't do it Mom and Aunt Rox. I show you all the time what you do. It starts with a little butt jiggle back and forth. Then you bend your legs a little bit and get the bounce to your step. Step one foot to the side, the other follows with the next beat. Then step to the other side, with the beat, the other follows coming in next to the other. All the while, your arms swing out in front of you and your head goes back. You then swing them back behind your butt as your head falls to your chest. All the while, you are singing with your eyes closed because in your mind, you have found yourself back in 1978. This would be the joyous times before the wrath of Nicky came out of the womb. Wahahahaha...


THE LOCA MOTION (Kylie Minogue) - It's no secret that Kylie Minogue is smokin' ass hot. While it's not the music I listen to on a daily basis I can dance to it and sing along. But there is something about a conga line that I just can't do. Unless it's a private locamotion, however. (hee hee) Then I would totally be down! However, there is something about a drunken 70 year old man/woman sporting a hawaiian hat and cacky capri's with their hands on my hips that makes my skin crawl. The cruise was last month..get back to the home!!


THE MACARENA (Los Del Rio) - I have no words for this aside from quit playing it..


COTTON EYED JOE (Rednex) - NO!!! No on so many levels...Just..no..


HIGHWAY TO HELL (AC-DC) - A classic. Probably not one you should play at a wedding reception, however. Funny? Yes. Appropriate? No. Did I tell you all I hate wedding cards? I don't buy them. I buy Sympathy cards for weddings. No joke! My friends can attest to this. The latest victim was my friend, Wendy. She got married last month and got a sympathy card. She thought maybe I just grabbed the wrong card as I walked out the door. Nope. I knew what I was giving. She'll figure it out soon enough.


BECAUSE I GOT HIGH (Afroman)


NOOKIE (Limp Bizkit) - So, as I said, I posted a thread on Facebook telling about the new blog coming up and if there were any songs people thought should be included please let me know. Chris? This is why I love you..and also why I stood in my kitchen laughing my ass off, and hung my head in shame because this song didn't even come into my head and it is most definitely in the top 5!! "I did it all for the Nookie, C'mon the Nookie, C'mon, so you could take that cookie!!" And then follow up with a "Stick it up your, YEAH!" I'm all about the nookie and all, but where the fuck is my cookie?? And what exactly is "the cookie". All I got was shit shrapnel!!!


DOES HE LOVE YOU (Reba McEntire) - Great tune..I'm just not so sure about dedication timing..


KISS ME WHERE IT SMELLS FUNNY (Bloodhound Gang) - Ah...I'm crying...I'm just going to post a link to the lyrics. I absolutely LOVE the Bloodhound Gang. They were excellent in concert and as crude as they are, I find them absolutely heroic. Anyone that can man up to some of their stuff is mind boggling to me. And to the women that they are writing about?...Dude..that sucks...send your husband to the store for some Massengill!! Get rid of that shit. It ain't right!

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bloodhoundgang/kissmewhereitsmellsfunny.html



ROCKIN' THE BEER GUT (Trailer Choir)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bcgh987BSaM

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (Metallica) - Great song!! "Take a look to the sky just before you die, It is the last you will, Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky, Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry, Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery, He hears the silence so loud" (right after she says, "FINE!") "Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be, Now they will see what will be, blinded eyes to see." Funny stuff right there.


I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR (U2)


MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME


BLAZE OF GLORY (Bon Jovi)


WHO LET THE DOGS OUT - I don't even care who did it.


SMACK MY BITCH UP - (The Prodigy) - Really? Stick with Firestarter..


DOWN ON ME (Jackyl) - Janice Joplin did this one the best. Janice was great! But the "Down On Me" I was suggested was sung by Jackyl. While the red spandex pants turns me on like the phrase, "goin' down on some donkey balls" excites me, probably not a good tune for a wedding reception. Good one, Mr. Bussinger!


SHE FUCKING HATES ME (Puddle of Mud) - DONE!!! Sign the papers...Someone obviously looked better than her tonight and had bigger tits...

Well, my night has come to a screeching halt...I apologize for cutting it short.

Closing thoughts for this evening....

I got a text msg today of a dildozer...I giggled...
My daughter now has an infatuation with a police officer...
My son has decided he's a mime that can play Rock Band...

Good night, my friends. Again..I apologize...

Signed,

The Grey Winged Monkey...