I Saw Her Today...At the Reception...

a glass of wine (or ice cold beer)...in her hand....Rolling Stones for all those who are retarded - minus the ice cold beer, of course. That was just me ad-libbing. I do that a lot. Either don't hang out with me or deal with it. :-)
Anyhoo...
Beer, wine, whatever your poison, alcohol goes hand in hand with any wedding reception, doesn't it? Does that make me an alcoholic? No, my friends, it does not. It means, that when you put a white dress, tuxedos, alcohol, and a DJ together you get a jack and coke stained dress, a ripped up tux missing a cuff link, one hell of a buzz, and some enilated people trying to dance. It is a great time had by all! Well, maybe not everyone.
Have you ever noticed, what I call, the "Newlywed Couple"? This is the couple you find in the corner holding hands and cooing at eachother. They have obviously been married under a year, have had no children, are are still in their honeymoon stage. "Oh I hope you are as happy as we are!! It will be bliss, I just know it!" Hey...You...Open your mouth so I can puke in it. I got news for you two. The honeymoon ends, bitches! Kiss up now kissy poo's. Dude - wait until she sends you to the store for Massengill. The "blue" kind. And Princess? Ohhhh, Princess....you just wait until you are cleaning off the underside of the toilet seat lid because - SOMEHOW - your loving groom has managed to blow ass so bad that apparently had so much power to it that it actually lifted him off of the toilet seat and has left shit shrapnel on the bottom your lid. Not to mention it has been on there for a week because prior to when you got married you shared the cleaning duties. (SLAP) WAKE UP!! It's all yours now. Honeymoon is OVAH!! Enjoy yourself tonight though....really...enjoy...(suckers)
There is also always the recently divorced or 20 something who has just broken up with her boyfriend in the bathroom crying, "Why me?? (hurl) I thought he loved me!! (hurl) "
Along with the food, wedding cake, booze, and the above scenerios, there is also the music. You have the first dance, the father/daughter dance, etc. etc. all of which the bride and groom (ok, the bride) picks out. But then there are the others. Some are good and some are great crowd movers but you know what? There are some terrible wedding reception songs that just need to be burned, you know? I do research for these blogs sometimes. What better research than to hear from some of my favorite people? Especially if it gives me more reason to listen to more music!! I posted somewhat of a suggestion box on facebook and I got a lot of great suggestions!!! I'm going to list them all and give my take on some of them.

MONY MONY (Billy Idol) - While I'm a big fan of White Wedding, Hot in the City, Eyes Without a Face, as well as Rebel Yell, Mony Mony is one song that, quite possibly, because of drunk wedding reception goers, makes me want to kick a koala bear. I'm not sure if it's the actual "gotta get laid" thing in the middle or the 54 year old pot bellied drunk in the middle of it all screaming it actually thinking that it is going to get him laid.


OLD TIME ROCK & ROLL (Bob Segar) - Again, I love Bob Segar. He, along with bands like Styx, CCR, and The Rolling Stones had a huge part in my high school drinking career. The song as a whole is a pretty good beer drinkin' song. If you're just sitting around drinking a beer and tapping your feet it's great!! Here's my problem with it. If you were standing in front of me right now, I would dance for you. It is the same dance, danced by all to this song. I'm not talking about the Risky Business dance by Tom Cruise. If you don't know this dance, you would totally get it when I showed you and say, "Oh my God!!! You are right!!" My Grandmother did it, my Aunt does it, my Mom does it. I would have to say, ANY woman over the age of 45 does it. And don't tell me you don't do it Mom and Aunt Rox. I show you all the time what you do. It starts with a little butt jiggle back and forth. Then you bend your legs a little bit and get the bounce to your step. Step one foot to the side, the other follows with the next beat. Then step to the other side, with the beat, the other follows coming in next to the other. All the while, your arms swing out in front of you and your head goes back. You then swing them back behind your butt as your head falls to your chest. All the while, you are singing with your eyes closed because in your mind, you have found yourself back in 1978. This would be the joyous times before the wrath of Nicky came out of the womb. Wahahahaha...


THE LOCA MOTION (Kylie Minogue) - It's no secret that Kylie Minogue is smokin' ass hot. While it's not the music I listen to on a daily basis I can dance to it and sing along. But there is something about a conga line that I just can't do. Unless it's a private locamotion, however. (hee hee) Then I would totally be down! However, there is something about a drunken 70 year old man/woman sporting a hawaiian hat and cacky capri's with their hands on my hips that makes my skin crawl. The cruise was last month..get back to the home!!


THE MACARENA (Los Del Rio) - I have no words for this aside from quit playing it..


COTTON EYED JOE (Rednex) - NO!!! No on so many levels...Just..no..


HIGHWAY TO HELL (AC-DC) - A classic. Probably not one you should play at a wedding reception, however. Funny? Yes. Appropriate? No. Did I tell you all I hate wedding cards? I don't buy them. I buy Sympathy cards for weddings. No joke! My friends can attest to this. The latest victim was my friend, Wendy. She got married last month and got a sympathy card. She thought maybe I just grabbed the wrong card as I walked out the door. Nope. I knew what I was giving. She'll figure it out soon enough.


BECAUSE I GOT HIGH (Afroman)


NOOKIE (Limp Bizkit) - So, as I said, I posted a thread on Facebook telling about the new blog coming up and if there were any songs people thought should be included please let me know. Chris? This is why I love you..and also why I stood in my kitchen laughing my ass off, and hung my head in shame because this song didn't even come into my head and it is most definitely in the top 5!! "I did it all for the Nookie, C'mon the Nookie, C'mon, so you could take that cookie!!" And then follow up with a "Stick it up your, YEAH!" I'm all about the nookie and all, but where the fuck is my cookie?? And what exactly is "the cookie". All I got was shit shrapnel!!!


DOES HE LOVE YOU (Reba McEntire) - Great tune..I'm just not so sure about dedication timing..


KISS ME WHERE IT SMELLS FUNNY (Bloodhound Gang) - Ah...I'm crying...I'm just going to post a link to the lyrics. I absolutely LOVE the Bloodhound Gang. They were excellent in concert and as crude as they are, I find them absolutely heroic. Anyone that can man up to some of their stuff is mind boggling to me. And to the women that they are writing about?...Dude..that sucks...send your husband to the store for some Massengill!! Get rid of that shit. It ain't right!

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bloodhoundgang/kissmewhereitsmellsfunny.html



ROCKIN' THE BEER GUT (Trailer Choir)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bcgh987BSaM

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (Metallica) - Great song!! "Take a look to the sky just before you die, It is the last you will, Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky, Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry, Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery, He hears the silence so loud" (right after she says, "FINE!") "Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be, Now they will see what will be, blinded eyes to see." Funny stuff right there.


I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR (U2)


MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME


BLAZE OF GLORY (Bon Jovi)


WHO LET THE DOGS OUT - I don't even care who did it.


SMACK MY BITCH UP - (The Prodigy) - Really? Stick with Firestarter..


DOWN ON ME (Jackyl) - Janice Joplin did this one the best. Janice was great! But the "Down On Me" I was suggested was sung by Jackyl. While the red spandex pants turns me on like the phrase, "goin' down on some donkey balls" excites me, probably not a good tune for a wedding reception. Good one, Mr. Bussinger!


SHE FUCKING HATES ME (Puddle of Mud) - DONE!!! Sign the papers...Someone obviously looked better than her tonight and had bigger tits...

Well, my night has come to a screeching halt...I apologize for cutting it short.

Closing thoughts for this evening....

I got a text msg today of a dildozer...I giggled...
My daughter now has an infatuation with a police officer...
My son has decided he's a mime that can play Rock Band...

Good night, my friends. Again..I apologize...

Signed,

The Grey Winged Monkey...