More Randomness at the Project Bundy..

So, I jump in the shower this morning and start to do my thing when I realize that the tub is backed up AGAIN!! I'm not sure why the hell my kids..wait - scratch that...why my DAUGHTER constantly makes me go downstairs to pull multiple items out of the pipes so my tub will drain. Not to mention the monkey I pulled out of there last time. I swear we should be bald with the amount of hair that comes out of our heads. With a backed up tub, I cannot, in good conscience, pee in the shower nor brush my teeth. It's one thing to stand in your own soapy filth but once you pee, you're screwed. And yes. In the morning, I brush my teeth in the shower. Some ask why I would brush my teeth in the shower. To them I say, why do you not brush your teeth in the shower? It's a proven fact that hot water cleans better than cold water. Plus I can spit all over myself and not look like I'm experiencing an epileptic seizure!! AND with my water bill - the more I can get accomplished in one shower, the better. Healthy teeth lead to healthy lives! This poor guy didn't see me coming. Although that is a bag over his head isn't it...

Ahhh....my children...Owen and Sarah. Unfortunately for them, they have my sense of humor. They find the stupidest things funny which is always a good time for me. I'm not quite sure what Owen is doing in this photo. What I can tell you is that he is not mentally handicapped....sort of...... And Sarah? Well, she just digs cotton candy. I don't understand cotton candy. I think it's super that it is sweet and it melts in your mouth but I have to say, I am not a big fan. Cute picture, none the less.
This picture brings me to my next subject. Stupid doctors. I dig beer. I think it's pretty tasty. And I'm pretty goofy, especially with a beer in my hand. My point? Who says you can't drink beer and get goofy while on a heart monitor? Stupid doctors do!! (woops) Do you want to know why I find this picture so comical? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. While most would think the fact I am sitting on a toy dump truck is comical, this is a regular occurrence with me. There is a good chance that when I tried to stand up the dump truck came up with me. HEY!! Quit looking at my boney knees too. That's my Dad's fault. No, this is not why this picture funny. You see, this picture was taken in my back yard. My picnic table, my cooler, my beer, my camera....yet I have absolutely no fucking idea who the three people are behind me. Not a clue!! Next time someone says I am hard to get along with, I'm going to have to whip out this picture. Look at me! I seem nothing less than lovely.


Decisions, decisions....

My Aunt Rox gave this picture of myself and my daughter to my father for Christmas labelled "My Girls". I'm not sure when she took the picture, nor what was happening, but I think it's HILARIOUS!!! This was obviously during Sunday dinner or the preparing of dinner as I believe that is an oven mit on my hand? At least my Aunt made sure I didn't have my apron on. Now that would have been embarrasing....

This is how I spent my birthday. 22 oz Boulevards, family, and mustaches. Have I ever mentioned that even if I giggle, I cry? I often laugh uncontrollably to where I cannot breathe and I feel I may die at that very moment. I guess there are worse ways to die, right? It took absolutely all I had to keep somewhat of a straight face while taking this picture. So, it may look like I was pretty wasted but I was not. I was just bawling prior to this shot as I was laughing too hard. And then it continued after I actually viewed this picture. How can you not laugh? Brandee looks like a Nazi Chipmonk!! I also took a video of her because she said she wanted to be a TV star but I can't figure out how to post it. I mean, I can, but I need to edit it a bit and apparently I can't do it, or don't know how. One of the two. I'm leaning towards I don't know how. Seriously...Look at her face again...

This is one of the pictures I should've read more into as my daughter grew up. It clearly shows that she loves torturing her brother. And she still makes that face to date. "HA HA!! Eat that, Owen!!! You big, fat pussy!!" She actually said that the other day at my office. My brother in-law was there working on my computer. Now, they had been there quite some time. Probably from around 10:00am and this occurred around 8:30pm maybe? They were discussing how Sarah could kick Owens butt. My son is built a lot like my brother, Zac. I often look at him and wonder where his organs are. Sarah has always been a brute. She was a stalkier baby and toddler and we often found that in any physical altercation, Sarah was usually the winner. Not only was she bigger than Owen, he wouldn't ever fight her back because she was younger and she was a girl. Now? Not so much. It still takes a lot to get him to fight back but he does it when he's pushed too hard. While Sarah is thinning out quite nicely and losing a lot of baby fat, let's be honest here. They both weigh 50 pounds and she can still take him. She kicks his ass and after the fact he warns her with, "you better not mess with me...I'm at least 50% ninja, you know." ANYHOO - so we're at the office and they are going crazy. They start to wrestle and Owen actually get's Sarah down on the ground somehow. She jumps up and says that he cheated (which he probably did as there is no other explanation). Owen states that he did not cheat, he was just stronger than her. That's when Sarah lost her cool and yelled "Owen - You're just a big, fat pussy!!!" Monsterous laughter arises out of my brother in-law while I quickly turn around to compose myself before explaining that we are not to use that word. Which brings me to my next picture...

Nothing like a 35 year old man to show the kids who's boss. Leg Wrestling... As I said, we had been in the office a long time. The computer was running updates so Uncle Shawn (my computer tech/brother in-law/pro leg wrestler) decided to mess around with the kids and show them how to leg wrestle. They wrestled as I laid on my loveseat and observed under the warmth of my comfy blanket. And if you are wondering, the answer is no. You do not have to take your shoes off when you come to my office. I've been referred to as Mrs. Rogers. I have had the same office sweater for probably 7 years and the same office slippers for about 5 years now. It was muddy out and Shawn took it upon himself to take his shoes off. I told him it was fine, he disagreed and removed his shoes. Thank you, Uncle Shawn, for saving my red carpet.

"Do you really think I can bite those? You see, I have no fucking teeth!! I understand my cheeks can hold four of them at any given time, but really? I'm humilated right now..this is not funny.."

This is my Dad, Bruce. You can see where I get my impeccable hand gestures from. A little story for you I haven't quite figured out yet. Either my father is a genius or he's an asshole. I'll let you make the decision. One fine day a little kitty came about our back door. For those who don't know, I live in a small town. Our house sat (and still does for that matter) on an alley. Down the alley about 50 yards maybe is the Public Library. I named him Tobey and he was my best friend. About a week after he came to me, my parents had some friends over. I would assume it was the neighbors as we frequently had them over. Anyhoo, my Dad lured me into the living room and explained that the cat needed to go. I looked down at him laying on my lap so peacefully and tried to bargain with my Dad telling him I would never have another animal again if I could just keep the kitty. Mind you, there were several people around and I was devistated. He told me that I needed to go let the cat go in the library bushes where I found him. If it was meant to be, he would come back home. If he didn't, well then, that was it. No more Tobey. I hugged that little kitty all 50 yards and told him how much I loved him and that he just needed to come back home to me. I let him go in the bushes, and cried all the way home. I continued to cry for approximately an hour on the couch in front of all the guests. The library was 50 yards away. He knew damn well the cat was coming back. Here's the question....Did he make me do that to be a dick and watch me cry for nothing? Or did he do it because he knew that I would think the cat loved me and was meant to be with me when he came back? Only he knows...I get him back every so often though. I sneak over to his house and put a paper towel under his salt shaker lid when he's not home. He salts and takes a bite. salts some more, takes a bite, salts a little more and then it hits him...."SON OF A BITCH!! SHE GOT ME AGAIN!!" 30 minutes later, I get a phone call. This makes me smile.

"Did you seriously just blow ass in my car?"

I have no words for his one. I may get hung tomorrow. But she doesn't read my blogs anyway so she'll never even know. Remember the mustache picture? Nazi Chipmonk? She makes me laugh.....

One more and then I shall be done. I went out for a girls night out on Saturday. We went to Blair and hung out with friends and I had a great time. Wait!! Here's a picture..

Jenny, Megan, Heather, Brandee, and Myself. Toward the end of the night this guy was trying to hit on Heather. I called him Chin Strap all night. Not sure how much he liked that but who cares. It made me laugh. My mouth often gets me in trouble...especially with a few beers in me. Granted, I speak what I think, but I usually can control these sorts of things until you go just a bit too far. I wouldn't consider myself a bitch. If you're an idiot, I'm most certainly going to tell you so if you are out of line. So, as we are leaving he is trying desperately to engage Heather and tell her how much money he makes. This kid is 25 and should know better, however, Chin Strap was an idiot. I tolerated it for awhile but it just got old. Heather and I walked out of the bar to smoke a cigarette before we left. Chin Strap and...we'll call him Blind Melon...walked out after us. As we smoked, Chin Strap was telling Heather how good he would be to her and said..."Baby, I make so much money, the Government pays ME every year.."...................just....................can't...................do..................it................anymore.

"Hey, Chin Strap...you're a douche bag. Did you hear what just came out of your mouth?"

"What? When you start making money like I do they will pay you to keep working too.."

"Stop talking, Chin Strap. You're just digging a hole for yourself."

"Why are you being a bitch?"

"I like to call it education on how to pick up a chick. You're not doing so hot, Chin Strap."

"You're just hatin' because I make more money than you do." (yeah, he said hatin'")

"Go home, Chin Strap. Google IRS. You obviously have more lessons to learn."

"No!! I'm a grown man and I will go home when I want to."

"A grown man knows about taxes, Chin Strap...and you're a douche bag. I'm just trying to help you out."

Blind Melon had to push him into the car because he still wanted to argue the fact that the government paid him money every year because he made too much money.. Urgh..stupid people make me laugh. Then I drove home, or attempted to. Missed my turn, ended up in Arlington. I made it home finally after a brief stop at my office to pee. One of the many advantages to having an office between Omaha and home. Great pit stop!!

Well, people, this blog is utterly disappointing, I agree. I think I've lost my funny.... Has my life become so mundane that nothing funny ever happens to me anymore? Someone!!! Please come make me laugh!! Say something remotely comical or at least stupid so I can make fun of you!! Or myself!! I make fun of myself all the time!! I have resulted in taking pictures off my computer and phone just to write something!! I feel a book in my future...we'll see though...

Have a nice night, everyone. I'll try to post more soon.