Dear Soda Bottle Manufacturer...

Dear Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer,

The children are out of school today. I have four children running, yelling, crying, tattling, and fighting, and absolutely destroying the clean home I had this morning while I'm trying to maintain a full time job. I attempted to take them out to lunch to get them out of the house for a bit but none of them could agree upon where they wanted to go. Needing toilet bowl cleaner I decided that if they couldn't agree I would go to the store where I then purchased hotdogs, hot dog buns, cottage cheese, dinner for this evening, cookies, and toilet bowl cleaner, not to mention a pack of smokes (was planning to quit tomorrow - NOT going to happen), an 18 pack of little blue yummies, and a soda to tide me over until 5 or so. After saying "NO" 50 times to silly bands, I make it home to prepare the hot dogs. Now I was going to grill the hot dogs but the kids were being so unbelieveable rediculous I decided to punish them and make them on the stove. Not wasting my propane on these little shits today. There wasn't enough food and some wanted another hotdog while some wanted more cottage cheese but there wasn't enough for everyone to have seconds of both. I told them to figure it out. "OWEN!!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!", "CODY!!! STOP HOGGING THE KETCHUP!!", "SARAH!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" If we would've went to eat somewhere they all would've had their own meal and this wouldn't be an issue now would it?

I grab my soda and retreat to my office and close the door.... My soda will not open. You see, you've revamped your caps to where they are smaller and much harder to grab a hold of. I've tried absolutely everything to open my soda. You're lucky I bought the soda in the first place because, honestly, if I didn't have all these kids under my care, I would certainly be drinking beer by now. But I'm not. I need the soda. And while I would've rather purchased the Pepsi, I didn't want to keep the kids in the store any longer so I grabbed you, Coca Cola. The palm of my hand is red and the more I try to open it the more bruised my palm gets. The last attempt at opening my soda on my own I almost started crying. Not because of the blister I have that will eventually turn into a callus leaving my hands rough and knarled, not because of the red welts that even ice hasn't brought down, not because of the severe pain I now have in my hand from trying to open the damn soda. No. It's the mere fact that I'm having a HORRIBLE day Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer. And all I want is my FUCKING SODA!!!

Do you wish to know how I got the bottle open, Mr. Coca-Cola Bottle Manufacturer? Tools...Plyers and a Screwdriver... I had to use TOOLS, SIR!!! And now I have to wash those tools. You want to know why? Because once I got the damn thing open it FUCKING EXPLODED!! Leaving my tools and myself drenched in soda!!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pour the now half bottle of warm Coca-Cola down the drain and get me a beer. Screw you Coca-Cola. You suck.