For those who don't know, I moved my business from my office from Gretna into my home so I could spend the summer with my kids. While all in all it has been a great time and I love it for the most part, I have my days where I ask myself, "What the hell have you done?" I watch the kids' cousins as well a few days a week as well, not to mention The Mafia. My point is, there are usually between 4-6 kids here on a daily basis.
Although it's only Tuesday, I believe I already have my "Question of the Week". My question came yesterday..."Mom, we were wondering....do babies come out of your butt or your privates?" Now, there were four kids having this discussion. My two and their cousins. Had this been non-family extras I wouldn't have even responded but since they were family, I simply stated "Privates" and walked out of the room. End of discussion. I texted Jess (the other Mother) and went about my day. If you read my blogs at all you will know that nothing that comes from my childrens mouths surprises me. Why, a couple weeks ago, out of the blue, my Son asked me, "Mom, sometimes my ding dong goes straight. Why does it do that?" I explained that it's a part of growing up and he was just going to have to deal with it. To that he said, "Well, that's stupid and I don't like it." Sometimes things sound really bad to me but are innocent. For instance the other day we were just finishing up a delicious Sunday Dinner when Alannah came to the table and said, "Josh likes to choke Weinus!" Now while this is funny in itself, you have to understand that Josh is her mothers boyfriend. Her mother is my cousins Ex which made this absolutely hilarious!!! This...is why I love Sundays. Dinner topics from poop to weinus.
Anyhoo, so with the question got me thinking that some of you should get to know the people who brought me into this world, Bruce and Jolene Wagner. Now let's be real here, me telling you about their personalities or what good people they are wouldn't be very funny. Don't get me wrong, they are GREAT people!! They would give you the shirts off their backs if you needed them, they are outstanding citizens, and they put up with my shit. That in itself makes them saints, right? BUT that's not what this blog is about. No, no, no...as they would title it on MTV..this is "The Shit You Didn't See"
We'll start off with my Dad, Bruce. You've seen his picture in a previous blog when I explained that I wasn't sure if my Dad was a genius or an asshole regarding my Kitty Cat, Toby. First let me just say that Toby is a name for an animal, just so we're clear. M'Kay?
My Dad is extremely talented. My Dad has a catch phrase of sorts known by our family and probably a lot of his friends. "Well, shit, I could've made you one of those!" And theres a good chance he can! He can make pretty much anything. Growing up he also used to bring random shit home. He brought my Mom home an under the couch tanning bed one time. I think she was actually kind of excited until we realized the plug on it was European or some shit and we couldn't use it. He was an electrician and he explained that he would change the plug when he had time and it was no big deal. We never used the tanning bed. When he'd bring stuff home my Mother, my Brother, and myself would just stand there and stare at it as he explained what it was, how it worked, and why and/or how he aquired such things. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I look back now and have to laugh because it was almost as if we were in a Griswold movie.
My Dad brought home a jiggle machine one time for my Mom. Now most women get pissed
about getting a vacuum cleaner because it denotes that more cleaning needs to be done. A jiggle machine, Dad? FAIL!!! Zac (my brother for those who still don't know I have one) and I were quickly warned by my father not to use the jiggle machine. Did he really think I was going to listen to him? DUH!! It was a JIGGLE MACHINE!! The name alone has a child intrigued from the start!
The next day I had my friend Keni Jane over after school (to show her the Jiggle Machine, of course) and my brother had Danko Pike over. I will use his real name because it's not a bad story about him. Now, I had a HUGE crush on Danko Pike. Most girls my age did and Keni Jane I were giggling from the time he arrived. While Zac and Danko were upstairs holed up in Zacs room listening to music or talking about girls, Keni Jane and I were downstairs and I was demonstrating how the jiggle machine worked. While I was getting my jiggle on, somehow, my long hair got caught in the belt of the jiggle machine and it wound it up similar to winding a yoyo sting up in the yoyo. My head bashed against the machine, leaving me pinned against the motor portion. It all happened so quickly yet, in my mind, I remember it frame by frame. I distinctly remember letting out three short screams and that's when it hit me. I had to
keep quiet. My brother could not know I was playing on the jiggle machine because he would for sure rat me out, and Danko most defintely could NOT see me like this!! After controlling myself I turned to consult with my "friend" on how I was going to get out of this predicament and she was no where to be found. That's when I heard two small feet running above me towards the stairs followed by four larger ones walking quickly and giggling. Damn you, Keni Jane!!!
When they finally make it downstairs to where I'm trapped, they could not control their laughter. Zac walks over to assess the situation. "YES! Zac will know what to do!!" WRONG!! The first thing he does is turn the damn power back on!!! So here I am, pinned in this thing and the belt keeps trying to pull my hair in even more. The problem, you see, was that all of my hair, up to my head, was wrapped so tight around the thing that turning it on just made my temple bang against the side of the machine very fast and very hard. I'm yelling at him, he's yelling/laughing at me, and somehow I manage to turn the power switch back to off...(where I had it in the first place, Dick Head!) Now, not only is my ego bruised, so is the side of my head! He takes a few tugs at my hair. It doesn't budge. About 20 minutes goes by and I'm getting rather irritated at this point. He's my big brother! He's suppose to get me out of shit like this and he's got nothin'! I ended up just ripping my hair out of the belt. Surpisingly, my hair was fine, but my ego was crushed as I walked passed Danko and up the stairs in shame.
Next time you see Keni Jane or Danko (if you know them, of course) ask them if they remember that day as well as I do. Probably not, but I would be interested to know what that episode looked like from their perspectives if they do.
And if you're wondering....The Jiggle Machine was never touched again...
Although it's only Tuesday, I believe I already have my "Question of the Week". My question came yesterday..."Mom, we were wondering....do babies come out of your butt or your privates?" Now, there were four kids having this discussion. My two and their cousins. Had this been non-family extras I wouldn't have even responded but since they were family, I simply stated "Privates" and walked out of the room. End of discussion. I texted Jess (the other Mother) and went about my day. If you read my blogs at all you will know that nothing that comes from my childrens mouths surprises me. Why, a couple weeks ago, out of the blue, my Son asked me, "Mom, sometimes my ding dong goes straight. Why does it do that?" I explained that it's a part of growing up and he was just going to have to deal with it. To that he said, "Well, that's stupid and I don't like it." Sometimes things sound really bad to me but are innocent. For instance the other day we were just finishing up a delicious Sunday Dinner when Alannah came to the table and said, "Josh likes to choke Weinus!" Now while this is funny in itself, you have to understand that Josh is her mothers boyfriend. Her mother is my cousins Ex which made this absolutely hilarious!!! This...is why I love Sundays. Dinner topics from poop to weinus.
Anyhoo, so with the question got me thinking that some of you should get to know the people who brought me into this world, Bruce and Jolene Wagner. Now let's be real here, me telling you about their personalities or what good people they are wouldn't be very funny. Don't get me wrong, they are GREAT people!! They would give you the shirts off their backs if you needed them, they are outstanding citizens, and they put up with my shit. That in itself makes them saints, right? BUT that's not what this blog is about. No, no, no...as they would title it on MTV..this is "The Shit You Didn't See"
We'll start off with my Dad, Bruce. You've seen his picture in a previous blog when I explained that I wasn't sure if my Dad was a genius or an asshole regarding my Kitty Cat, Toby. First let me just say that Toby is a name for an animal, just so we're clear. M'Kay?
My Dad is extremely talented. My Dad has a catch phrase of sorts known by our family and probably a lot of his friends. "Well, shit, I could've made you one of those!" And theres a good chance he can! He can make pretty much anything. Growing up he also used to bring random shit home. He brought my Mom home an under the couch tanning bed one time. I think she was actually kind of excited until we realized the plug on it was European or some shit and we couldn't use it. He was an electrician and he explained that he would change the plug when he had time and it was no big deal. We never used the tanning bed. When he'd bring stuff home my Mother, my Brother, and myself would just stand there and stare at it as he explained what it was, how it worked, and why and/or how he aquired such things. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I look back now and have to laugh because it was almost as if we were in a Griswold movie.
My Dad brought home a jiggle machine one time for my Mom. Now most women get pissed
about getting a vacuum cleaner because it denotes that more cleaning needs to be done. A jiggle machine, Dad? FAIL!!! Zac (my brother for those who still don't know I have one) and I were quickly warned by my father not to use the jiggle machine. Did he really think I was going to listen to him? DUH!! It was a JIGGLE MACHINE!! The name alone has a child intrigued from the start!The next day I had my friend Keni Jane over after school (to show her the Jiggle Machine, of course) and my brother had Danko Pike over. I will use his real name because it's not a bad story about him. Now, I had a HUGE crush on Danko Pike. Most girls my age did and Keni Jane I were giggling from the time he arrived. While Zac and Danko were upstairs holed up in Zacs room listening to music or talking about girls, Keni Jane and I were downstairs and I was demonstrating how the jiggle machine worked. While I was getting my jiggle on, somehow, my long hair got caught in the belt of the jiggle machine and it wound it up similar to winding a yoyo sting up in the yoyo. My head bashed against the machine, leaving me pinned against the motor portion. It all happened so quickly yet, in my mind, I remember it frame by frame. I distinctly remember letting out three short screams and that's when it hit me. I had to
keep quiet. My brother could not know I was playing on the jiggle machine because he would for sure rat me out, and Danko most defintely could NOT see me like this!! After controlling myself I turned to consult with my "friend" on how I was going to get out of this predicament and she was no where to be found. That's when I heard two small feet running above me towards the stairs followed by four larger ones walking quickly and giggling. Damn you, Keni Jane!!!When they finally make it downstairs to where I'm trapped, they could not control their laughter. Zac walks over to assess the situation. "YES! Zac will know what to do!!" WRONG!! The first thing he does is turn the damn power back on!!! So here I am, pinned in this thing and the belt keeps trying to pull my hair in even more. The problem, you see, was that all of my hair, up to my head, was wrapped so tight around the thing that turning it on just made my temple bang against the side of the machine very fast and very hard. I'm yelling at him, he's yelling/laughing at me, and somehow I manage to turn the power switch back to off...(where I had it in the first place, Dick Head!) Now, not only is my ego bruised, so is the side of my head! He takes a few tugs at my hair. It doesn't budge. About 20 minutes goes by and I'm getting rather irritated at this point. He's my big brother! He's suppose to get me out of shit like this and he's got nothin'! I ended up just ripping my hair out of the belt. Surpisingly, my hair was fine, but my ego was crushed as I walked passed Danko and up the stairs in shame.
Next time you see Keni Jane or Danko (if you know them, of course) ask them if they remember that day as well as I do. Probably not, but I would be interested to know what that episode looked like from their perspectives if they do.
And if you're wondering....The Jiggle Machine was never touched again...
Nicole, I think this was your most entertaining entry yet! I almost spat coffee out my nose. I still remember your dad and my brother, Ron playing guitars together. Ask your dad if he still has the purplish vest he wore all the time. (I have NO idea why I remember that!) And btw, your son will get used to that thing pointing straight out.......and then he's really gonna like it! lol Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget the jiggle machine :)
ReplyDelete