This blog is more on the serious side today. I know, I know, who wants to be serious, right? Well, somedays, today being one of them, I have no desire to be anything but serious. It's been a pretty shit day to say the least. Honestly, the past few months have been everything from incredible to extremely depressing. As time goes on, I find myself looking back and wondering where the hell my life has gone and who is this person? People have came back in to my life, others have slipped away. Some just sit idly waiting for me to make mistakes, as others push me to the limit and encourage me to be the best I can be as a person, a writer, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I try, I really do, some will say I go over and above what is expected of me while some will tell you I don't try hard enough. Some I will make happy, some I will make sad, some I will fall in love with, some I will forget. Some will love me, others will hate me, some will just pass me and say "hey". I pick my battles and deal with them accordingly. I've never been one who wants to fight or argue but you know what? Some days just don't work out for me. In turn, they aren't going to work out for you either. Somedays, you just have to sit back and say, "Fuck it. Fuck you, fuck your friends, fuck your perfect little life that you think I'm fucking up, Fuck. You." There is only so far a person can bend before they break. I will not break. I've put up my wall, Bitches, try to break me down. I dare you cause it ain't gonna happen no matter how hard you try.
What I've realized in the past few months especially is somethings in life cannot be nourished without water. Sand will fill voids in your life. You've read the email I'm sure about a teacher filling a jar with golf balls, marbles, sand, and water - or some shit like that - the sand fills all the empty space between the other objects in the jar. I, too, find that I am a jar. I had the golf balls, the marbles, and the sand. All that was missing was the water. I recenly found that water. That's when reality comes into play. The shit the email doesn't tell you. Just when you have your jar filled with everything you could ever imagine, reality tips the jar. The jar slowly pours out in your hand. The golf balls and the marbles just fall to the floor as you can't hold them in one hand. Whats left is the wet sand. The important parts. You hold your fingers together tightly for as long as you can but they grow tired. Your fingers begin to separate. The farther your fingers separate the faster the wet sand falls to the ground. Life has left you to start over again.
So, I was digging through some old papers and I came across a song I had written back in the day. As I read it, I realized a lot of things about me have changed and how some will never change at all, no matter how hard people try to change me. I am me. I have packed parts of me away and vowed never to let them return but, ultimately, as water sits on leather, it begins to break down. That fucking water. I welcomed the water and I knew exactly what I was getting into. It was absolutely wonderful while it lasted and will never be forgotten. No worries, no regrets. Now that it's gone I guess I will just have to re-pack those parts and put them back in cold storage for a rainy Sunday in Montana.
I'm sure you're all wondering and will be talking about what happened with Nicky? "Does anyone know? Is it a boyfriend? Perhaps a girlfriend? Maybe a new puppy? Did she find out her twin is inside her living off her like a parasite?" Consider the fact that, quite possibly, maybe Nicky just had a shit day and had a lot to get off her chest.
What I've realized in the past few months especially is somethings in life cannot be nourished without water. Sand will fill voids in your life. You've read the email I'm sure about a teacher filling a jar with golf balls, marbles, sand, and water - or some shit like that - the sand fills all the empty space between the other objects in the jar. I, too, find that I am a jar. I had the golf balls, the marbles, and the sand. All that was missing was the water. I recenly found that water. That's when reality comes into play. The shit the email doesn't tell you. Just when you have your jar filled with everything you could ever imagine, reality tips the jar. The jar slowly pours out in your hand. The golf balls and the marbles just fall to the floor as you can't hold them in one hand. Whats left is the wet sand. The important parts. You hold your fingers together tightly for as long as you can but they grow tired. Your fingers begin to separate. The farther your fingers separate the faster the wet sand falls to the ground. Life has left you to start over again.
So, I was digging through some old papers and I came across a song I had written back in the day. As I read it, I realized a lot of things about me have changed and how some will never change at all, no matter how hard people try to change me. I am me. I have packed parts of me away and vowed never to let them return but, ultimately, as water sits on leather, it begins to break down. That fucking water. I welcomed the water and I knew exactly what I was getting into. It was absolutely wonderful while it lasted and will never be forgotten. No worries, no regrets. Now that it's gone I guess I will just have to re-pack those parts and put them back in cold storage for a rainy Sunday in Montana.
I'm sure you're all wondering and will be talking about what happened with Nicky? "Does anyone know? Is it a boyfriend? Perhaps a girlfriend? Maybe a new puppy? Did she find out her twin is inside her living off her like a parasite?" Consider the fact that, quite possibly, maybe Nicky just had a shit day and had a lot to get off her chest.
....Here's the song I wrote years ago. I can't even tell you when it was. I'm going to have to say.....high school? Shit. I'm even more depressed now that years ago was in the same thought of me being in high school. Fucking great! Better go get another 18!
Guess what? I'm back. New life starts today. Let the fun begin...
Stone Wall
You look around the room,
And you're surrounded by people,
The crowd in which you think you belong.
You've built your image,
As an independent person.
You have strength, you are strong.
When you're screaming inside,
And your heart is cryin'
You somehow manage to smile.
Cover up all your fear,
Beacause you know inside your dyin'
Letting it show has never been your style.
REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.
Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.
If you're ever in a bind,
Look inside your self,
'Cause no one's going to be there.
Tell them to screw themselves,
'Cause your the stronger person.
Tell them it's you who doesn't care.
And when they come to you for help,
Turn the other way,
Say, "Sorry, Man, I'll pass."
"I've been there before,
And you made me stand alone,
This time, you can kiss my ass!"
REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.
Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.
Stone Wall
You look around the room,
And you're surrounded by people,
The crowd in which you think you belong.
You've built your image,
As an independent person.
You have strength, you are strong.
When you're screaming inside,
And your heart is cryin'
You somehow manage to smile.
Cover up all your fear,
Beacause you know inside your dyin'
Letting it show has never been your style.
REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.
Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.
If you're ever in a bind,
Look inside your self,
'Cause no one's going to be there.
Tell them to screw themselves,
'Cause your the stronger person.
Tell them it's you who doesn't care.
And when they come to you for help,
Turn the other way,
Say, "Sorry, Man, I'll pass."
"I've been there before,
And you made me stand alone,
This time, you can kiss my ass!"
REFRAIN
Put up your stone wall,
And patch all the holes,
Left from you slowly breaking down.
Hold on to your pride.
And keep your fists high,
Fuck this little town.
Look them straight in the eye,
And show them you don't care,
Show them you're not afraid.
Because when they know your scared,
Or even a little weak,
They'll destroy the person you've made.
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